Members,
Communication is key! How are you communicating? Take
a look at the common specific problematic communication patterns. How
many times have you fallen into these problematic communication
patterns? As you track, don’t forget to note the 5 W’s of your anger:
Who was there? What happened? Where did it happen? And why did it
happen? Post your thoughts here!
Blaming
Blaming is what happens when you try hard to convince yourself and the
other person that the problem is the other person’s fault. Unless you’re
trapped in an abusive relationship, start with the assumption that
you’re 50% responsible for the problem and the other person is 50%
responsible.
Self-Blame
Sometimes, when people have a problem in a relationship they often
believe that the problem is entirely their fault. Instead of trying to
solve the problem in the relationship they spend a lot of time thinking
about what a terrible, miserable and rotten person they are. As you
might guess, instead of getting the problem solved, such thinking can
lead to sadness.
Another possibility is to use the Responsibility Pie technique.
The technique is pretty simple. First, write down a list of all the
factors that are responsible for creating the situation that makes you
feel ashamed or guilty, including you. Next, record how much
responsibility you want to give to each factor as a percentage out of
the total of 100%. Next, draw a circle on a piece of paper. Finally
start assigning each factor that is responsible for the situation a
slice of the Responsibility Pie. The best way to do this is to make the
size of each slice proportional to the responsibility that you assign to
that factor. For example, if you assign yourself 50% responsibility,
then give yourself half of the Responsibility Pie.
Denying Your Needs
People who communicate with a very passive style often deny their own
feelings and needs. They feel sad, angry, or hurt but they deny their
feelings and needs, even when asked directly. As a result, they get
frustrated and angry because they feel unheard and disrespected. Other
people get frustrated and angry because they have to guess what the
passive person is feeling and needing. The answer to this problem is to
adopt a more assertive communication style. More about that a little bit
later…
Yes Butting
People who communicate in a passive or passive-aggressive way can do a
lot of “yes butting.” In response to any suggestion from the other
person for how to solve a problem or make a decision they say “yes,
but…” Usually people who “yes but” don’t come up with any solutions of
their own, they just reject all of the solutions of the other person. If
you’ve ever been in a relationship with someone who is a “yes, butter”
you know how frustrating it can be. No matter what you try to suggest,
it isn’t quite good enough. So, what happens? That’s right, eventually
you respond to the constant rejection by giving up and withdrawing. The
solution to “yes, butting” is to recognize the symptoms, inhibit the
impulse to criticize, assert what you really need and want, and be
prepared to compromise.
Timing
Timing IS everything. Sometimes we assert our needs and wants at
the wrong time. As a result, we don’t get what we need or want. We get
an argument. The secret to timing is to get better at taking the other
person’s perspective and understanding what they need and want. More
about this a bit later…
Ashley, Health Educator