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How to avoid Holiday Stress Part 2

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How to avoid Holiday Stress Part 2

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 221

Hi Members,

Red, what are some new and fun rituals would you like to create? Is there something you've wanted to do during the holidays?

Loves trees, sounds like Thanksgiving was a real mix of emotions. As you do work through the program, the moments where you experience stability in your thoughts and emotions will increase in duration and frequency. Sounds like your accepting that you experience a variety of emotions, and that you're feeling optimistic that doing the program will bring more moments of steadiness.

You are making a lot of changes right now. You're doing the program, and inviting new people into your life. With all these changes, you need support from other people. If these people could support you, what would that support feel and look like? What are specific things they would do that would be the helpful?

Helena, Health Educator

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

loves trees.

Emotions are tied to core beliefs. They have a lot of control over how we think and ultimately how we deal with core beliefs. Holding them in can and often does have an effect on how we treat the core beliefs we are trying to cover up. (change) So this is why I say do not hold them in let it out and let it pass before it can do damage. Cry when you need to, be sad when you need to. And above all else when you are angry let it out harmlessly by doing something physically like beating the crap out of a pillow or throwing a foam ball at the wall till you start to laugh at the sheer stupidity of what you are doing. This way you won't let the emotion build on your core beliefs. After a while you will find you get less angry.

One can not live in a box, we do have to deal with people and they will trigger our emotions. But what you do with the emotions after is your decision.

Oh and remember that only we who suffer can feel our pain. Telling them won't make much sense. This is a known for both physical and mental pain.

Here for you

Davit

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

Tiana - Hi. We have not met yet. I have not been on the site very much lately. As for your questions, the word boundaries came up for me.

Davit - Holidays are sad for me and have been for a while. I try to be in the present and enjoy what is instead of what isn't. Days are a collection of moments. At thanksgiving I had several moments of being in the moment and enjoying the good people i was with. No, they did not know my inner pain. They are new in my life and they do not know my past they do not know holidays are days I fight back tears too. there were moments like that at thanksgiving as well. so all in all, it was a collection of moments, some sad, some content or steady (inside). Part of me wanted badly to express the pain i had inside and have the people around me take care of me. I did not let on i was in pain. my pain is personal. It was caused by things the people I know today don't even know about. After thanksgiving there were moments of anger. I was angry that they didn't care about my pain (the pain they don't know about). Now as we approach the next holiday season, i am realizing this may be what I have with the people I now spend holidays with, and maybe that is ok. There will be moments of pain, and moments of steadiness (inner calm) and I have no idea how many of each. With awareness and tools I will work for less anger and sadness, and more moments of steadiness.

I will work to take care of myself even if I still am working on resenting that I have to do it and do it alone a lot. I know I shouldn't resent people for not being able to do more to be helpful and supportive right now. I havve yet to find the right way to explain to some of the people in my life what I need from them. I also don't like doing that because it triggers dissapointment. I cannot ask them for help until I am ready to hear "no" from them. Right now I am raw and when I ask for help and people say "no" i get really angry. I know this isn't the best way to live but that is where I am today. working on it all. finding little moments of forgiveness here and there. trying to grow them into more than just moments.

thanks for this thread. holidays are immportant triggers for me to work through.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 659

Ashley,

Good advice. Things do change and I do need to be more Realistic about the holidays. The key for me is accepting this fact which I feel I have done to the best of my ability. So the next step for me is to make some new and fun rituals and enjoy the holidays....Thanks for pointing this out to me and thanks for the good advice as usual. Sometimes I think we just need someone to point us in the right direction so the we can see things more clearly. I am glad you are here to help us on this journey.

Gratefully,

Red

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Tiana

"Should" went out the door with my disability, not all at once but it went. I don't "should" any more. Think about it yes but dwell on it no. A good friend told me to focus on my accomplishment instead of failures. (failures just mean you tried) (mini accomplishments) We will always have things we should have done. So what! Probably the people that "should" the most are like me and aim too high, or attempt to please too much.

Upsidedown.

Probably the greatest accomplishment in life is to help others unselfishly and unnoticed. I think you have done that, and I have done it. It is a great feeling and better than all the "should's" could ever be. I will think of my brother during this season but I will not attempt contact. They have their life, I have mine and they don't mix. I too have compassion for my brother but that is all.

loves trees.

It could well be just a poem couldn't it. Did you notice that we are not alone in our pain, some one cared enough to put their thoughts on paper.

On the matter of the holidays, some times we try too hard to be on our best behaviour while fuming inside till it boils over. Holidays can be hard. They can be sad and sad is only one emotion away from anger.

Here for you

Davit.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 653

Well, the subject of family and holidays sure is a converstation starter!

Some food for thought...along the lines of Davit's great prose, but sort of the other side of the coin, is the idea of "should". (I'm sure there is a poem about that too!) Around the holidays especially, we tend to do a lot of 'should-ing' for various reasons, about spending time with family. What if this year you gave yourself permission to do what you 'want' and 'need' instead of what you 'should'? How would that feel? How can you make taking care of yourself a priority? How can you balance things? How can you put others' expectations and judgements aside? Maybe small changes can help in big ways.

Thoughts?

Tiana, Health Educator

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

Davit,

Great prayer. Even for someone who is not theistic it has meaning.

Ashley,

That is good advice. When I read your advice to set differences aside and keep conversations light, the thing that came to my mind is that some family members only see each other on holidays and sometimes that can end up meaning that their relationship issues never get addressed. I thought that might be valuable to point out because there might be other members who struggle with some family relationships and have a hard time just keeping things light when the real issues they need to iron out with some family is not being addressed.

There is someone I had a falling out with this year, if I see them over the holidays I do'nt want to pretend everything is ok. I think it would be respectful to pull them aside and acknowledge things still need to be addressed but that it can be done after the holidays. although there are people in my famkily who would be offended by that simple gesture which i guess just goes to show that they don't want to work on the relationships.

i guess my point is that holidays can be really challenging for those of us with very dysfunctional family systems.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 72

Davit,

Great prayer. Good timing. I was feeling a bit down. I was thinking how some people are born writers, musicians, etc. their craft just flows from them. And then I took a look at my life and how empty it feels and that I blew it by not following my dream of being a successful psychologist, self esteem way to low, bottom of the barrel. When I had my counseling practice(after I finally healed in many ways) it flowed from me the same way it flowed from an artist. but, life happens, unforeseen events create changes and so on and so forth.

And then I opened to the poem you posted. I've been puting it off, and I will make sure I follow thru tomorrow and call the volunteer ofc at the hospital and start doing more for others and/or the suicide hotline (to volunteer, that is!). I know it will help lift the part of my depression related to achievements.

To the topic - holiday was just my husband and myself. made a roast and stuffing (stuffing more important then turkey anyday!) and apple crumble(yum). nice and realxing. then on Saturday, we raked hours worth of leaves - what a blast - now I remember why children love to jump in piles of leaves - it's so soft and fluffy and they go flying everywhere!

both parents are deceased. son in NY with his dad's family. my sister and I haven't spoken in almost 7 years. before that we tried to be friends and it lasted only a year. before that year we hadn't spoken for four years, and so on and so forth. so, this time, I decided i'll have compassion for her from afar, but will no longer allow myself to be abused by her. And it's been like that since early childhood.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 659

Davit,

Thank you for putting this prayer up for us all to read. I personally find it very helpful and comforting.

Ps.

I enjoy driving around and looking at all the Christmas lights too. Enjoy your baking. I bet your kitchen will all be warm and cozy and smell delicious...

Your Friend,

Red.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Dear God

Please untie the knots

that are in my mind,

my heart and my life.

Remove the have nots,

the can nots and the do nots

that i have in my mind.

Erase the will nots,

may nots,

might nots that may find

a home in my heart.

Reliease me from the could nots,

would nots and

should nots that obstruct my life.

And most of all,

Dear God,

I ask that you remove from my mind,

my heart and my life all the "am nots"

that I have allowed to hold me back,

especially the thought

that I am not good enough.

Amen

Author known to God.

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How to avoid Holiday Stress Part 2