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Rebuilding Your Self Esteem


13 years ago 0 221 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hi Members,
 
Great discussion you've started!
 
You've all mentioned that you were looking to someone in your life to support you or commend you on all the hard work you had done. These people were unable to give you support that you needed. However, the positive side of this , is that you were able to realize they were not able to give you support you need and you stop looking to them for support.
 
As a couple of you have mentioned, it hard for people to adjust to the new and assertive person you're becoming. People are use to interacting and thinking about you in a certain way, so it may take time to adjust.
 
Members, what feelings or thoughts did you have after ending a relationship that was not supportive or destructive to your self esteem?
 
 
 
Helena, Health Educator
13 years ago 0 6252 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
upsidedown,

I used to think I was the only one treated this way and I used to think it was my fault. I never realized till you mentioned it that my flash backs don't occur anymore. I do remember that they were unpleasant. The past is the past, we can not change it.

Here for you.
Davit.
13 years ago 0 1665 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hi upsidedown:  I've been exactly there, where you have described with flashbacks.  It was anxiety ridden and stressful.  I journaled a lot during that time.  After reading it over weeks later, I saw a thread which helped me better understand myself.  It's almost like a ring of fire you have to go through, then all gets calm again.  Good luck.  Keep doing the relaxation techniques every day.  They will help you stay on the side of calmness.
 
Your friend, Sunny
13 years ago 0 72 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
it amazes me how easily my self esteem can take a hit and bottom out. then all I can do is figure out ways to rebuild it.
As a child into adulthood my mother always told me I was too stupid to become anything, and I surely lived up to her expectations.  I had to prove to myself I was smart to an extreme.  Had to go for two masters and almost PhD completion.
After doing much work on myself I felt like a human that could hold my head up high and believe in myself without what other people, especially my mother thought of me.  After having an article published I brought her a copy to read.  When she was done, she asked in disbelief if I wrote that. When I said yes and why would she ask that - she said she didn't think I was smart to beable to do something like that (she put down all my schooling and even nursing and ministerial degree over the years). As I stood before her, I shrank back into that 6 y/o child who thought I'd never amount to anything.  It was at that time I decided I would never try for her approval again. Although I had compassion for her as a woman who had probably gone thru her own tragedies, as a mother she did nothing but complain and criticize.
Now fast forward years after feeling good about myself, I hit middle age and went downhill in my self-esteem.it lasted 1 1/2 years until little by little i found different ways to make me feel better.  i even asked strangers where ever i was who were older how they went thru my period of adjustment. some answered openly, some thought i was crazy. i didn'tt care, i just knew i had to get myself out of it.  and it all led to the uncovering of my panic/anxiety attacks, OCD, PTSD, Bi-polar, you name it, it all fit in. and that's where i am today with flashbacks and stuff from the past that got triggered that needs further healing.
13 years ago 0 1665 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hi Dizzy:  Good for you, being aware of what we say and how we say it is a good communication skill.  I have found any break in a cycle - (you say, he says and you both trying to be the right one)- will produce some anxiety in the one who sees the changes in a person - your father may take a bit longer to adjust to the new way you are thinking.  Don't be surprised if he tries to stick with the old routine because that's how you have been relating together for awhile.  Be patient, it will come.  I think being right just for the sake of being right is not worth the argument.  It's o.k. to agree to disagree, cheerfully.  Sometimes you have to understand where the other person is coming from, i.e. different generation, different job, different religious beliefs, etc.
 
Your friend, Sunny
13 years ago 0 118 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
 

Ashley

In my experience, there have not been many people in my life trying to give me self-esteem.  Another problem is that when someone did I would take what they said as disingenuous (I know this is a cognitive distortion).  In my support group I go to (and I am sure you are going to say this as part of your self-esteem thread) we give ourselves a pat on the back for every attempt at some cognitive restructuring. Basically when you have done a negative thought sheet and identified a more positive tilt on the thought, and you use this new thought in a situation. You use the positive thought to change your thinking pattern to an old negative thought or situation you pat yourself on the back for just an attempt at trying to change your old habit or thought. In this way you are not waiting for someone else to pat you on the back you are doing it yourself. A kind of funny thing happened to me I had identified that I should stop seeing the right and wrong in what people are saying to me. Every time I started to try to point out to my father my thought on a subject as being write and therefore his as being wrong I would stop myself from saying the statement. My father misconstrued this situation as I would begin to start talking and then stop because in had caught myself trying to prove what he said was wrong,  My father thought that when I was stopping myself from expressing my thought that this was anxiety an inability (brain freeze) to say what I wanted. When in fact I was changing my thinking to stop trying to find the right and wrong in trivial situations. Therefore, where I was changing my thinking using CBT the other person misinterpreted it as a form of anxiety.

Dizzy 

13 years ago 0 356 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Ashley,

This came at a perfect time for me. the program has raised my self esteem but there are some troubles getting people in my life to now understand that i know how to advocate for myself when I didn't used to do this. I believe I am deserving of respect and recognition for the work I do and the attention I give to others. It is not easy for some people in my life to adjust to my new found assertiveness. 

As for your suggestion to consider important people in our lives and how they shaped our self esteem, today I was remembering a sitatuion I was in a few years ago. i sought out support from someone and they didn't think i needed support from them. i am glad that i finally stopped asking that person for support. I realized I deserved more than they could give. While I was in a relationship with them though, they did wreak havoc on my self esteem. 

I am looking forward to your future posts on this topic. 
13 years ago 0 11210 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Members,

Has condition or illiness left your self-esteem in the gutter? In the weeks to come, we will be exploring various strategies to help rebuild your self-esteem:

What is self-esteem?

The level of self-esteem you have is gained via reactions important people have had to you throughout your life. Starting off with your parents, it is further shaped by your siblings, superiors, friends and significant others. One primary factor in the development of self-esteem involved the positive or negative reinforcement or messages you receive from these people.
Before we can begin rebuilding, we encourage you to take make a list of the people in your life who have played an important role in your life. Were they supportive or negative forces in your life? What did they do for your self-esteem?
 
Ashley, Health Educator

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