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Negative Core Beliefs Part II

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Negative Core Beliefs Part II

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Pete... thanks for providing the link to the brain article. I'm glad you found it interesting. My favorite part is the idea that I don't "suffer from mental illness" but rather am "neurologically diverse". I approve of diversity and am happy to contribute any way I can.

Seriously, a change in perspective about our "uniqueness" can not be a bad thing. Can it?

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Thank you Ashley and Pete for your comments re my avatar. Sometimes it is good to be "seen". Thank you.

Actually Pete, you (and anyone else) CAN make something like this. Pardon my soapbox here....

The Zentangle motto is "anything is possible, one stroke at a time". It is unbelievably easy to learn. If anyone is interested, I suggest checking out tanglepatterns.com . A quote from the site:

Zentangles are miniature pieces of unplanned, abstract, black and white art created from an ensemble of repetitive patterns on a 3.5-inch (89 mm) square paper tile. They are not only exquisitely beautiful, they are fun and relaxing to create.

The process of creating a Zentangle® is a form of “artistic meditation” as one becomes completely engrossed in making each pattern, deliberately focusing on “one stroke at a time”®. The creativity options and pattern combinations are boundless. And anyone can do it!

I started doing Zentangle about the same time I started here with the CBT. Both have taught me how to tackle the seeming impossible... by just doing one step at a time. My work with both as always complimented the other.

Regular meditation does not come easy to me. Too hard to corral my thoughts... drawing totally zones me out (in a positive way!)

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 223

I second Ashley - love the new avatar. I could never make something that beautiful.

I read the Armstrong article you mentioned, ~m. Very interesting. I found it here

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11213

Wow, you made that? It's amazing! Love it

I love it even though it is unfinished.
Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

I'm so glad the policy has changed about sharing resources. I'll try to find the links for the two sources I wrote about on this thread.

Thanks for commenting on my change in Avatar. It is one of a series of Zendalas (Zentangle + Mandala) that I have been working on. This particular one is not my favorite and is not quite finished, but has possibilities. Kinda like me at this juncture of my work here and therefore... a most fitting representation. Donjathink?

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11213

Hi Pete,

Thank you for sharing with such honesty as usual. I am glad you are focusing on these things with your therapist. Please keep us updated on this process.

Hi m~,

I love the pattern you have up as your avatar. What is it? To answer your question the resources are not a problem. We actually allow links now in the forums. In the past we removed them in order to prevent spamming and the spread of viruses but now we have decided the pros outweigh the risks so feel free to post links if you wish.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Pete, I have so many thoughts about what you have written in this thread. I was hoping things would settle in my brain enough to post a coherent continuation of the dialogue. They haven't... so I'll just list a few things.

The first is that what you write about yourself is painful to read. My heart aches for you. That gets confusing because what you wrote sounds like a description of me... ending with the most poignant part which is that I'm not real. (I just used those exact words with two different therapists this week.) My heart hurts for you ... but is totally disgusted with myself.

Identifying and naming specific issues is a good start, but shaming "it" or shaming yourself in the process is like taking 2 steps forward and then 20 backwards. I just listened to a Ted talk by Brene Brown on the effects of fear and shame. It's a really good piece. I can't post the link but urge everyone to check it out online. I think the title is vulnerability and whole heartedness ... but what grabbed my attention was the fear and shame part.

One more thing I'd like to share because you once posted about how good it was to identify yourself as unique person... rather than a defective one. I just read an article which so resonated with me because of that comment. The article is in ODE magazine April/May 2010. ( Perhaps you can find it online or through inter-library loan.) It is written by Thomas Armstrong, titled: Your Brain is a Rain Forest.

It's not really about changing our personalities so much as changing our perceptions and expectations. I want to post a couple of quotes that really spoke to me but the post is already too long. Maybe later.

Ashley, I really hope citing these two resources is ok since I didn't provide a link. I'm not sure of the exact boundaries for sharing outside information. I hope I didn't cross the line. They are really powerful pieces.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 223

Yes, Ashley, I have been working on this with my therapist. Working quite hard and intensely to challenge it. But it's very hard, it's such an ingrained and habitual part of me, and has been for as long as I can remember. I believe that whilst I have this conviction of my own inferiority sat like a torpid spider at the centre of my mental landscape, I'll always be vulnerable to relapse into depression, will always have this crippling and infuriating social anxiety. But at least I've identified this issue, named it and shamed it. I can sit outside of it, as I am doing now, and observe its workings.

So.. that has been some progress, at least. It does feel, though, as if I'm attempting to change my very personality and in an odd way it's frightening to contemplate losing this self-image which sits at my core and is, in a real way, me.

Hmmm, don't think I'm making too much sense here. All the above notwithstanding, I'm doing okay right now.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11213

No problem Pete I appreciated it

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I know you have come a long way in addressing a lot of issues lately. Have you touched on this core belief with your new therapist? If not, what's stopping you from challenging it head on?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 223

Ooops.....sorry, Ashley, for being flippant. Hope I'm not in too much trouble - at least it shows I have a sense of humour intact.

Anyways, to your question. I have an ingrained conviction that I'm not as good as other people, not entitled to voice opinions (as my opinions are automatically inferior, ill-informed and insignificant), not capable of achieving, not capable of success, lost and all at sea in the myriad personal exchanges and relationships that are the currency of a full human life.

This manifests itself in a sometimes obsessive and aggressive secrecy, a need to be unseen, to attract no attention, to be forgotten and ignored. In any relationship, I put myself a couple of rungs below the other person, always submissive, always handing them the initiative, always seeing them as being in authority over me. You can imagine how counterproductive this has been for my career and my creative endeavours, too. I write poetry but just feel it's not good enough to share, I make music and would not dream of singing and playing for anybody else.

Being praised, which I have been at times, makes no difference at all to the kernel of defeat sitting at my core. Neither does cool appraisal of the evidence. I suppose you could sum up this core belief in the phrase I use to myself and which characterises my conduct - 'I'm just not a real person'.

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Negative Core Beliefs Part II