Not selfish at all! In fact, writing to you (and others) has helped me think through my own thought and feelings about things. So, in a way, you are giving back and helping just by helping us write out our own thoughts. Thanks!

Hi Greg_C,
 
Yes, I can see how you would feel that way about the spike of good feelings. For me, when I felt so much better (for just one day) from the mania, it gave me hope that I would eventually feel better someday. Before that, I thought there was no hope. I didn't think I could feel better. But my manic spike helped me hold onto hope (even if was a bad type of feeling better). It was then that I knew my brain was capable of more. Yes, the depression was awful when it came back. The docs had to take me off antidepressants to stop the mania, but I still remembered that good feeling, even if it was so fleeting. Even though it has only been 2 months since that day, and I am far from better (still feel very depressed but gradually getting better), I still cling to the memory of that one good day. It is like a light in my mind of what might be someday. That's why I reacted a bit more positive to that part of your post. Hope you understand!
 

" I was also a little worried about getting locked up as suicidal. " I had this very same fear when I went to the doctor the first time. In fact, I was suicidal; I had been working on a plan; I did think about it all the time, but I didn't tell my doctor any of that. I played the whole suicidal thing down, saying that I thought about it occasionally. I did not want to be locked up. Looking back (this was about 3 months ago), I think maybe admitting the truth and getting more intensive help in a facility would have been better for me. Since then, I have read many other accounts from people who had spent time in a treatment center and felt better for it. The meds I am on now (Lamictal and Lithium) have taken the suicidal ideation away, but my story could have ended up much worse. Looking back, I really think the more honest with our doctors we are, the faster and more effective they can help us. When they don't know the whole story, when they are only working on partial information, they can only give partial treatment. I am going to try and be more honest with my doctor in the future (At least I will try! I still have a lot of fear about that).
 
 "But over the last week or so, I've sensed some improvement. I don't lay in bed for hours pondering the pros and cons of death. I sleep a little better, and have actually had some dreams." Yay! This is such a good sign. Sometimes the getting better" process is so slow, but when I notice little things like this, I know I am on my way to recovery. That is so exciting to hear!!!
 

Hi Greg_C!
 
That sounds like a wonderful effect of your medication. At least I would be happy if mine did that. So far, my meds have just been a slow, steady improvement rather than a spike like that. Like Samantha says, please check with your doctor and report everything you are experiencing. I have also found it helpful to keep a small list of the meds I am taking/have taken (see my blog in here) to have my history of experience with meds. I print this list out and take it to my doctor's appointments, as I tend to forget what I was going to say once I get to the appointment. : )
 
Lance,
I completely agree. I have found that meds just got me stable enough where I could finally deal with life and start making positive changes. Before meds, I just didn’t care and made no effort to get better. In fact, things were so bad, I don't think I even wanted to get better. So for me, the meds were a way for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel and start working towards healing.
 
Samantha,
I this is a great question. Before I ever took meds, I had no idea what to expect. Now, after trying several different meds, I am much more aware of things to look for. First, if I feel amazingly better after 1 pill within only a few hours (on an antidepressant), I now know that I have switched into hypomania and am headed for manic episode. My depression is not gone and has not been treated; it has just been hidden by the hypomania. Antidepressants should not work within an hour of taking your first pill!  LOL! I learned this the hard way.  Second, as far as negative side effects, I have learned to listen to my body and not just keep taking the drug because my doctor tells me to. I know myself best (I have been with me since birth!), but my doctor only sees me for 15 minute once a month. What may be "normal" for most people or "average" may not be true for me. I have learned to speak up and insist on a new medication when I could not tolerate the side effects. Last, I have learned that meds usually take a while to work and it may take a combination of meds to achieve the best results. So I have learned to be patient with meds and to be willing to take a cocktail of meds for the maximum help (multiple meds may be more applicable for bipolar patients). Hope this helps some!