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how can I cope with loss?


16 years ago 0 13 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Perth, I had a friend who was terminally ill from cancer. She had some treatment. She was unhappy staying with family during recovery. I asked her to pack her bags and move to Colorado-to live happily ever after. She did. In 8 months she passed away, the cancer had spread. I was afraid that she was still very ill, so was she. But during that time we did our best to enjoy. Not always easy. The family was torture, we stood united. She wanted to be here. Safe. It was difficult to watch, when she did finally surrender it was as we hoped. She was in her little wheelchair at the table working on her scrapbooks, burning a potatoe pancake in the toaster oven, her last sounds were a giggle and a gasp. I wrapped myself around her and encouraged her to let go. We had hoped she would not be alone... For that I am so thankful...She had my encouraging voice in her ear giving her permission to leave. Her struggle was complete.
16 years ago 0 3043 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hi wildcat, Thank you so much for your reply too. I think, that sounds very good, to restricting to loving and caring - yes, this scares me too, all this care-giving staff -- I don't want to see her either how she will be less and less independent and lucky .. but I guess I have to... she is very upset as well and I try to make her feel better each time we talk, but it's getting harder for me... thank you all, I 'll definitely think about all those you write... thank you!
16 years ago 0 3043 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
hi perth, my father had several illnesses that could have taken him at any time. and I was so upset and hurt that I could not resolve anything with him ... but my son loved him and appreciated the little time they had together so when my father died he left with that unconditional love in his heart. Learning about your mother's illness helps you anticipate the next steps to come. It allows you the time to plan rest periods for yourself (when pain management becomes sedation, when confusion become dementia...?) you will need all your strenght to cope and allow others to do the care-giving - restricting you to loving and caring. Also, it allows you to plan your time together. You might need more time to betogether at certain periods, so you can plan vacation days and rest days (to recuperate from your efforts -caring is an effort). Also, perhaps you need to talk of you fears to your parent. What does she believe? What does she foresee? What are her hopes? for herself? for you? Sometimes spirituality is comforting and sharing this important moment helps...It helped me when my grand-mother died.
16 years ago 0 3043 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Ava, Sylvie, Thank you very much for your inputs. Yes, I'll use the time left as much as I can. thank you
16 years ago 0 56 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Perth: I am very sorry to hear your mother is ill. I understand your concerns and although I won't claim I've been through the same thing, we've been through a number of medical situations in my family and what I found was that these times are not all bad. These situations forced us to have talks and spend time together in ways that might never have happened otherwise. I am not sure there is anything that makes loss any less than what it is, and it scares me too, so I don't want to suggest for a minute that there's an easy answer. But for my part, I don't think I would have had the opportunities I had to really be close to these people (parents, siblings, friends etc), if we hadn't gone through what we went through. Maybe you are already very lucky because it sounds like you're close to your mum and was to your dad too. So perhaps my situation isn't relevant to yours, but since you asked for ideas, that is what came to mind for me. Ava
16 years ago 0 1288 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Perth, It`s absolutely normal to have a fear of losing a loved one. One suggestion is to research your parents illness, to better understand what they are going through. You may not find a "solution" but a better understanding may be beneficial to you. Take this time to enjoy your time with your mother, work through the program and take some time out for yourself. Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator
16 years ago 0 3043 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
In one of the sessions you can read, when you have problems let's brainstorm how to solve them. I agree, it's useful. But how do you brainstorm and find solution to an illness of your loved ones? One can find temporary and long-term solution to paying the bills but what solution can I find to cope with the illness of my mother which is supposed to become worse and worse? I cann't stop it, there is no solution unless there will be a new and effective medication which isn't very likely in the near future. I lost my father 4 years ago and since then I'm living in a world of constant fear of losing someone else I love and need. So this looks now to become real, I will lose my mother too. What can I do now??? All the time in my life I worry about that moment when I have to face with that situation and now it is going to happen indeed... What am I supposed to do now...? I know it doesn't sound normal but it really makes me feel terrible and worried.. I'm scared and helpless

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