Dear members,

Previously we discussed the stages of a dispute. Today we will take a look at what can cause a dispute and how to work with people during one.

People can have disputes in their relationships about just about anything including:

• Violence 
• Anger 
• Physical abuse 
• Verbal abuse
• In-laws 
• Loyalty 
• Trust 
• Betrayal
• Infidelity 
• Disappointment 
• Jealousy 
• Resentment
• Finances 
• Parenting 
• Sex 
• Intimacy

No matter what the content of the dispute is, it’s more important to understand what is going on (the pattern) during a dispute. 

There are a number of very productive techniques that you can use to resolve disputes. Here are a few:

Thought Records
Why not? Thought Records can be used for any situation that changes your mood. What you’re thinking about is probably affecting how you are feeling and how you behave. See if there’s some negative thinking going on - and see if you can challenge it.

Communication Skills
You can try to use the information about communication style, communication skills and assertive communication that you we’ve discussed previously to improve your situation. Being more direct and assertive in your communication with the other person is a great start. Let them know what you’re thinking and feeling and let them know what you need and want from them (your expectations). Ask them what they need and want from you (their expectations). Try to understand the other person’s perspective as best as you can by asking questions. By practicing new communication skills and being assertive, you can often help keep the dispute in the negotiation stage.

Problem Solving
One way to help solve problems in relationships is to use problem solving techniques that.
• Break big problems into smaller steps.
• What advice would you give to other people in a similar situation? Follow your own advice.
• Think about how you’ve solved or coped with similar problems in the past. What worked and what didn’t work?
• What are you going to try if plan A doesn’t work? What if plan B doesn’t work either?
• When you’re planning on how to solve a certain problem, try to imagine, rehearse, or walk through the solution with as much detail as possible.
• Expect to fail sometimes. When a solution doesn’t work, think of the experience as feedback or advice that will help you develop a better solution to the problem.
• Talk to others about your problem and get as much feedback from them as possible. A great place for this is our anonymous Online Support Group – especially because you’ll be communicating with others who are going through the program.

Expectation
Start by reviewing the relationship that you’re working on. After learning more about the dispute, ask yourself if there is anything you’d like to change about expectations in the relationship, either your own and/or the other person’s.

Stay tuned for our next discussion when we will talk analyzing communication styles and skills.

 Members,

Sometimes we ourselves or others we know can fall into times of crisis. If you find yourself in this situation:

• Call your doctor or therapist
• Call 911 or go to a hospital emergency room to get immediate help or ask a friend or family member to help you do these things.
• Call a National Suicide Prevention Hotline
• Make sure you or the individual in crisis is not left alone.

If you are unsure on how to help this individual, many other professionals will. They include:

• Mental health specialists, such as psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, or mental health counselors
• Health maintenance organizations
• Community mental health centers
• Hospital psychiatry departments and outpatient clinics
• Mental health programs at universities or medical schools
• State hospital outpatient clinics
• Family services, social agencies or clergy
• Peer support groups
• Private clinics and facilities
• Employee assistance programs
• Local medical and/or psychiatric societies
• You can also check the phone book under "mental health," "health," "social services," "hotlines," or "physicians" for phone numbers and addresses. An emergency room doctor also can provide temporary help and can tell you where and how to get further help.

The above is taken from:

The National Instititute of Mental Health. (2009, January) Depression. Where can I go for help? Retrieved April 15, 2009, from  http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression/index.shtml

Members,

We’ve talked about anger, stress and disputes. We will now be discussing specific stress management strategies in a variety of settings & contexts.

Learning stress management skills is part of having a healthy lifestyle. It is just as important as learning how to eat well.  Exposure to stress over long periods of time has been linked to the development of:

• Frequent headaches
• Upset stomach
• Diarrhea or constipation
• Lowered immune system
• Disturbed sleeping patterns
• High blood sugar
• High blood pressure
• Increased cholesterol

Members,

Stress is a normal part of everyone's life and there are healthy ways of dealing with it. You can change or avoid the sources of stress. You can change the way that you respond to stress and you can learn to relax by utilizing your stress plan!

Answer the following questions to get started:

1. Name the biggest source of stress in your life?
2. Is this source of stress short-term or long-term?
3. How do you react to this source of stress?
4. Is your reaction appropriate to the context?
5. Is your reaction helpful to you in the long-term?
6. What other reactions could you have to this source of stress?

In question six, you are asked to choose an alternative behavior. Your challenge this week will be to try it out.