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Browse through 411.742 posts in 47.053 threads.

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16 years ago 0 219 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
what if...

Hi alohakeia, Thanks for checking in on me... We are in Pompeii now and hiked up Vesuvius (sp?) today. We left Paris for a 3 day side trip here. Baby kitty (10) has done lots of research of the ruins here so this is her treat and it's been very special for all of us. Italy is very different, and also beautiful. I don't have much time to visit here and miss it... so I'll make it quick. We're leaving for a bite to eat soon... I'm sad because I smoked in Paris and here... not much. mk [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]6/11/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 36 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 540 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $144.00 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 3 [B]Hrs:[/B] 17 [B]Mins:[/B] 56 [B]Seconds:[/B] 33
16 years ago 0 219 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
I slipped and I'm afraid

I slipped and I'm so afraid of myself... I've been blessed with the opportunity to travel to Paris and Italy with my family and it was great to fly here without the pain of having to deal with this addiction in the airports and be well on my way to healing. Then the temptations seemed to mount while in Paris... I was feeling stressed with my inability to communicate and just wanted to smoke to do something familiar and comforting. I smoked first somewhere around the Louvre when I found myself alone and shopping happily... Now in Italy, I snuck away and bought a pack which I slipped away and smoked a few from. My family caught me (knowing I was hiding from them again) and they sent me to the lobby of our hotel so I could get internet access and write to you all... I smoked one more and carried the rest to the trash far away. I'm such a dunce. An addict... and I hide my emotions with these things! I want to stay away from smoking and get back to my quit and stay quit!!! We had a little family meeting so there was no more hiding. It's so hard for me to explain, and I'm so afraid of myself sometimes. I can fool my family and myself some of the time but it's a nasty existence. I feel like a liar and just had to post for accountability. Gee whiz, I tossed my Italian cig stash, and now I'll have to face the pack tucked in my undie drawer in Paris before we come back home on Friday. What a schmuck I am to my family and myself. My daughter said I shouldn't just stop smoking. I should quit - because when you just "stop" there's always a "play" button. I think she has something there.... Anyway. I had to write and hope somebody is out there tonight to here me. I want to get off this merry-go-round of addiction. It's got tentacles or something and won't let me go for good. I hope I learn something amazing this time. I wish I could just wake up a non-smoker for the rest of my life. Smoking has always been my hiding place... My wall. It was a great wall to keep me composed in very difficult times in my life. Big times that come to mind over the past years were at the funerals of my oldest brother, then my middle brother, and last my father in 2001. I thought I was so strong, and had a gentle handle on things - learning to accept the things I couldn't change. But cigarettes weren't just big for me during those times. Also my happy and joyful moments. I want to feel real joy, without cigarettes. To live my life with the walls down and the roof off, but I'm afraid. I know I can, but I want it to be permanent. Lasting... mamakitty [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]6/11/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 36 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 540 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $144.00 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 3 [B]Hrs:[/B] 18 [B]Mins:[/B] 31 [B]Seconds:[/B] 27
16 years ago 0 219 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
I slipped and I'm afraid

Thank you Anna. I'm glad to hear about the pit peaks. Makes me feel less crazy. I'll think positive and do what I need to do. Rest is next:) mk [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]6/11/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 36 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 540 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $144.00 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 3 [B]Hrs:[/B] 18 [B]Mins:[/B] 35 [B]Seconds:[/B] 41
16 years ago 0 219 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
I slipped and I'm afraid

Thanks Unhooked... You don't know how nice it is to see your familiar posting picture and hear from you right now... If I were in London, it would be like hearing from the Queen:) (that you are:) Good night, from Pompeii:) Love, mk [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]6/11/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 36 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 540 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $144.00 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 3 [B]Hrs:[/B] 18 [B]Mins:[/B] 36 [B]Seconds:[/B] 25
16 years ago 0 219 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
I slipped and I'm afraid

Thank you all for the great support-brunch today! I read each note carefully before we need to go, and am ready to move forward with confidence and a smile on my face... Thanks:) I'll check in next time I can connect. Sending love back... mk [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]6/11/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 37 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 555 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $148.00 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 3 [B]Hrs:[/B] 19 [B]Mins:[/B] 52 [B]Seconds:[/B] 51
16 years ago 0 219 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Everybody, pack your bags!

count me in too:) Glad I had a chance to see this today... I'll be thinking of you. mk [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]6/11/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 37 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 555 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $148.00 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 3 [B]Hrs:[/B] 19 [B]Mins:[/B] 53 [B]Seconds:[/B] 4
16 years ago 0 219 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
I slipped and I'm afraid

My dear quit buddies, I wasn't able to check in again since Pompeii but I did want to tell you what happened after I soaked up all your great support and encouragement. You guys are over the top... You're real, you're out there and you understand. I think that's the most amazing thing I learned on this trip. No matter where I am, I'm not alone in this journey. Thanks... After I posted, we took an old bus along hairpin curves up the volcano Vesuvius. We were dropped off near the top where the road ended and hiked a pretty steep trail the rest of the way with walking sticks. Wasn't too smart to wear a skirt and crock sandals on the crumbly surface, but I was thankful for my healthier legs and lungs! Part of the way into the climb, there was a resting spot where several people were smoking. That could've been me. I was thankful that I didn't need to, but still felt a type of bond with them. Other times on this trip, when I was panicky and feeling like I was among the few who just couldn't smoke, my world became smaller. My focus was so narrow! When I let go of those negative thoughts (just as powerful as big cravings) I could relax and enjoy the things that non-smokers do. Even if it was from moment to moment for awhile. One of my favorite distractions was in the ruins at Pompeii. We came to a large (2000 year old) outdoor theater with stone seats surrounding a stage floor way below. I sat near the top and noticed another family quietly speaking English (a comfort for me in Italy) to one another. Way down on the center stage, my hubby broke the ancient silence, booming "Who lives in a pineapple under the sea..." And small voices at the top yelled "Sponge Boob skwa ponts!" Back in Paris, I tossed the stash that was hidden in the undie drawer- all-by-myself:) Have to do things for myself, my own way, in my own time, or I'm just not happy or fun to be around. I made it a point to look all around me at the people on the streets and in shops and cafes who WEREN'T smoking. Duh. Most of them. Plus, I learned from a waiter that by February 2008 smoking will be prohibited in cafes and restaurants in Paris and perhaps most of Europe. So? So much for the lure and glamour of finding places to puff. I enjoyed all the remaining walks and museums, picnics, metro rides and site seeing very much. We made it back home safely, and it really was a great trip! I also enjoyed every moment on the metro, train, at the airports and on the planes that I didn't have to smoke!! I'm so proud now that I didn't keep smoking after I slipped, and I have all of you to thank for that. Without your support, I may have felt like my all-or-nothing self. But that's not true. I can get back on track and learn from my mistakes... Failure is what I fear most, but like you said Mercy, failures/mistakes are often the very means used to make things better. You all helped reassure me that I'm acceptable and cared about just the way I am. I don't have to be perfect, and I don't have to smoke either:) I plan to start that emotions journal Danielle. I think that would help defuse a lot of situations... and help me learn about myself faster. Love and thanks to all, mamakitty PS To those of you who heard about the rooftop patio at our apartment in Paris - there were no naked sunbathers, but without window screens, people do open the shutters pretty wide across the streets... The guy babykitty spotted looked like Austin Powers with that triangle shaped rug on his chest:) She noticed the Apple laptop first. I kept the binoculars until he wrapped a towel around himself:) [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]6/11/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 42 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 630 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $168.00 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 4 [B]Hrs:[/B] 9 [B]Mins:[/B] 22 [B]Seconds:[/B] 17
16 years ago 0 219 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Everybody, pack your bags!

Hi Unhooked, I hope your friends are enjoying your company so much that no one even notices that you don't need a cigarette to still be you:) Did I say that right?:) -Mamakitty "I don't have to be perfect, and I don't have to smoke:)" [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]6/11/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 42 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 630 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $168.00 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 4 [B]Hrs:[/B] 9 [B]Mins:[/B] 23 [B]Seconds:[/B] 23
16 years ago 0 219 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Here I am!

Welcome Sally! I'm glad you're here. It's a great place to be, learn, heal, and grow... But you already know that:) How is your first day going? Breathe, drink water, walk when you can, rest... Whatever it takes to start this brand new Chapter off right. Congratulations on a great decision! mamakitty [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]6/11/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 43 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 645 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $172.00 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 4 [B]Hrs:[/B] 11 [B]Mins:[/B] 9 [B]Seconds:[/B] 17
16 years ago 0 219 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
I slipped and I'm afraid

Thanks Chicknoodle, I was just thinking of you and how you pulled yourself back up and on the smoke-free path... How brave! I really admire you for your determination, and your warm heart. MK [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]6/11/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 43 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 645 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $172.00 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 4 [B]Hrs:[/B] 11 [B]Mins:[/B] 11 [B]Seconds:[/B] 29