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Deep breath. This is the first time I get to actually lay it all out at once.
Essentially I burned out. Big time. Surprise! Turns out I can't gallop around the country on business, take care of a family, be a wife/mother/sister/aunt/daughter/in-law, keep a "Martha" home, host dinners and parties all the time, and pay for it all AND deal with work screwing me and everyone else over and ultimate betrayal from a 10+ year position.
So I quit that job. That was almost exactly one year ago. Because I quit I didn't receive unemployment benefits so we were forced to live on our savings. Proving to work that I needed time off was an absolute farce. I had written to the owners that my Dr. had prescribed 3-6 months off work for severe burnout. They ignored me. Had a little laugh. "we all need time off dear". I had no idea what to do, but I couldn't work there any longer. When I quit, they immediately removed all access to the company and wouldn't let me say goodbye to people I'd worked with over a decade. That just fed the monster. I honestly don't think that company could have handled things worse if they tried.
I spent weeks in the same chair in the living room, day after day after day, pretty much trying to stifle the ever present thought that the world just didn't need me. Husband would have the insurance, therefore be better off, and every kid has to learn to live without their parent - mine are in their 20's so I actually figured they'd be okay (still huge parts of me feel that way, it's a constant battle).
Because I had no income replacement or assistance, I had to go and get a new job - while feeling this way. I think I deserve an academy award for even showing up to interviews. I actually got a job. It hasn't been easy. My head believes everyone here is out to get me, just like the old position. My head believes they all hate me - who could like me?
Burning out (which isn't actually a diagnosis, but more of a nickname for a group of symptoms) triggered all the crap from my first (abusive) marriage, guilt guilt guilt about EVERYTHING, insecurities abounded, it all just exploded in my head. I was a mess. I am a mess.
My friends and husband are amazing. Seriously. Without them, I know I'd be dead. They listened, but they're friends. Not counsellors, and are only equipped with so much - and there's only so long a friend or a husband can listen to your problems, no matter how amazing they are. Benefit - I learned really quickly who my real friends are and who to get rid of. Getting rid of people isn't as easy as it used to be with social media rearing it's ugly head. Which circles back to guilt. Guilty that I "unfriended" someone. I feel guilty that my spending (comfort in spending ya know) put us in a bad way. I feel guilty that I couldn't handle the high paying job and the idiots that ran the company and what they were doing - I should have just sat down and done my job and shut up. I feel guilty that my younger brother is severely handicapped and I turned out "fine". I feel guilty that my kids' biological dad is such a complete jerk. I feel guilty that my dogs don't have a bigger yard and I don't walk them every day. I feel guilty that my husband doesn't have the wife he married anymore. I feel guilty that I don't perform well enough at my new job. I feel guilty about everything. Every. Single. Thing. I'm not good enough for people to want to spend time with or on.
I'd like to say "No! that's not true!" Cerebrally, somewhere in there I know it's not true. But it IS true. In my head it's all true. In my head I'm fat and stupid and useless and old and undereducated and a bad friend. In my head I know I have to have sensational parties and a perfect house and buy you lunch so you'll like me. In my head I know that I'm not worth someone's time.
And this is me "better".
I'm on meds, Effexor. You sure don't want to miss a day of those - I wish I'd known about the withdrawal. Also have sublingual Ativan so I can go to large meetings and do presentations. And sleep.
CBD helps. A lot actually. I felt honestly optimistic the other day. It had been so long since I felt optimistic that I was absolutely elated. Elated is the opposite of how I usually feel, so that night I got to have a good cry for no reason to apparently bring me back down to earth.
I want to be a valuable person. I want to feel valuable. I don't want to feel like a burden to everyone. I hate it. I hate the "flat" feeling. I hate feeling nothing. Stuff just washes over in waves, no response. I hate it. I'm sick of it.