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I'm the UtopianHero, but I'll just drop that and say that my name's Will, because there's literally thousands of Wills in existence and I don't think I lose anything telling you my real name.
I don't think I've lived, at all. My entire life's wrong. I'm wrong, I'm pretty sure. I know I'm depressed and probably anxious, but I can't figure out how a piece fits into it---I'm exhausted 24/7. Even when I'm happy, which is usually most of the time, actually, just not today as I'm at a breaking point, I'm still empty. Something's wrong, and missing, and I feel like the only thing holding me back is this fatigue that I have no matter what.
But I've just spent the last 9 years testing every single possible physical ailment that could be, and I've a clean bill of physical health. Then a piece of media taught me that I could be dealing with depression---a few taught me that, even.
Gee, this is already a mess and I should have gone over this better and more chronologically but I'm in such a messed up mind space and I've explained this so many times now, i'm just tired, even mentally. Sick of explaining my problems only to never get the help I want, and am trying to get just for myself independently by following routines and practicing CBT and all that junk.
Only, none of it's working. I approach every day optimistically, even when I wake up more tired than I was when I went to bed. I have no friends, I haven't talked to anyone but my parents, explaining how socially awkward this entire thing is, in five years, and I'm so lonely because they can't help me at all. They're giving me a place to live in, which is nice, but they've snapped and kicked me out a few times, even though I'm only *now* 18, and I appreciate this, but I just feel nothing for them. I don't know why I can't. There's just a kind of support that they can't give me, at all. And I want it, but I don't know how to get it. I don't think they did much with me at all like a normal supportive set of parents could have. We did nothing together. I never felt encouraged to do anything. They acted like they were encouraging me, but I don't think they know what someone really wants to hear to feel better. They're also really dramatic about stuff.
So, uhm, otherwise I'm just an almost 19 year old who isn't suicidally depressed or anything, been there done that, and taken a million medications and done a million different treatments and ECT and stuff, but nothing's getting better. Even when I approach every day with a routine and try to stay healthy.
I'm trying to take online therapy now, at least, since I'm agoraphobic now from not leaving the house in years, and they recommended while I wait for that to start (though my hopes are kind of thin because it's just more CBT), this place.
By the way, I don't think I've even been diagnosed with anything. Doctors aren't very good at that, here, it seems. Just push a pill and wait a few months, while you proceed to lose your mind waiting for this 'life' you hear so much about to start.
My head's a cloudy mess, I'm exhausted, and I guess I'll try this site's functions now? Cool. Hope you guys don't mind.
PS: Yes, if you did the math right, I've been this way since I was at LEAST 10. My childhood is gone and I'm never getting it back, but I can hopefully move forward? Would be nice.
Our situations may be much different, but I can completely feel and AM completely feeling these emotions of being unable to control your life as it falls apart around you.
AND I know the suffering of waiting for months (in my case, years) for medications and doctor appointments and the like.
I can't offer much help, as I'm just as stuck, but I can offer you whatever, if any, relief there is knowing that there's someone who knows what it's like to be losing control due to this.
Oh, I just read the part about the medical system doing absolutely nothing too. I know that reaaaally well. And yeah, even when you're suicidal and you show them that, they STILL give you very little to go off of, but hey, at least they finally acknowledge you...
In my experience, anyway. But it's not really relieving at all. Wish they weren't so inept at giving people what they need most.
I typed up another reply, but the website ate it. It was just me saying I really know the feeling of the medical system seeming like it could care less about you, unless you're suicidal. Only, I've been there too, and sure they admit you, but they just wait until you're not suicidal after that and let you out. Not much better for assistance.
Oh, I stand corrected. My posted messages are all going into this one post, lol. I just joined, myself, my apologies.