Are You Struggling with Depression or Anxiety?

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Laura
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5 years ago 0 Laura 35 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
miss y´all; crying over nothing at all

Wow, I've been reading this post and it's so good to know that I'm not alone.   
I've suffered from what I consider a low grade depression with intense anxiety and sometimes major depression mixed in for good measure periodically.
I have been on paxil 20mg for probably 15 years, and have never adjusted the dose.  I pretty much just accept that I need it and except for the occasional thought that jeez it would be nice to get off that drug, I am scared to, and then a major episode comes and I put that thought out of mind very quickly.
I have been pretty good depression wise for years, going through the motions of life, work, home, stuff but not too much stuff, as I seem to need a lot of alone time.   The anxiety is normally in reaction to work stress, and I deal with that by working too much...but I do get through it.    
Well, June 1 I decided it was time to really try to get healthy, and I quit smoking...and started working earlier so I could hopefully leave earlier and get to the gym, or go for a walk or bike ride.  I wanted to correct my poor eating habits and yes, maybe if things went well after a while I could successfully get off the meds.
I made it 30 days smoke free, and it has really thrown me for a loop.  I went back to smoking because I can't stand myself.  I have tried to quit before, and always the same reaction, but this is the longest period of time I've done it for so that is probably why the depression and anxiety I'm now feeling is so bad.
I work in a profession environment, and I have been having a conversation with a VP, or CFO or another co-worker and have burst into tears.   How embarrassing!   Now I'm afraid, terrified that they all think I'm losing it.  I explained that I was having a strange reaction to quiting smoking, and outwardly they seemed understanding,  but now I'm afraid of not being able to function properly at work, and then my brain starts thinking about losing my job, and because I'm single I have no fall back, and that thought just scares the heck out of me.
Just for fun, I was scanning the job ads, and noticed that all the jobs I should be qualified to do seem way over my head, and that just makes the fear that much worse....I feel like I'm spiraling out of control.
I've not been able to eat, much - coffee, lots of water, and a protein shake, a few carrots is all I have been able to eat in a day, and sleeping is troubled, wakeful or non-existent.    
I never take a sick day, I just carry on with whatever I need to do, but it's becoming hard to hide.   Yes, I do feel I need to hide...I have worked in the HR dept at work, although I'm not as involved anymore, I've seen how this can go, and I can't have that.    
Anyway, I found this through the employer EAP, and I called and talked to a counselor who has set me up with an in person session with another counselor, in a week.   I am going to try to get in to see my dr. on the weekend and see what she can suggest.  I loath the idea of changing meds, because that comes with it's own set of problems, but I may be desperate enough to try increasing my meds.     
I feel so mad, because I feel like this is all because I tried to quit smoking....not sure if that is true, as I have had some pretty bad anxiety in the months before, that at least once led to a crying episode in front of my boss....but I think the not smoking was just a point of not having anything to help me cope.    
I haven't really got any friends or family I can talk to about this, I have friends but not close friends.  I don't see them except at work most of the time, I push people away, or I don't allow them in to my world much.  
Laura
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5 years ago 0 Laura 35 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
miss y´all; crying over nothing at all

Thanks guys, I appreciate the support.  I'm feeling much better today, like night and day really.  I slept better last night, and ate a bit more today. 

I really feel like I'm going to be a smoker for life though.   I can't function when I'm all anxious and bursting into tears for no reason at work.   Maybe one day when I don't have to go to work and be effective and efficient and on my toes, I can take the time I need to get smoke free.   But if that's what I have to go through every day.   Maybe when I retire or win the lottery I'll try again :)   

I'm looking forward to relaxing this weekend, and hope that when Monday comes I'll still be ok.  

Laura
Laura
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5 years ago 0 Laura 35 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
miss y´all; crying over nothing at all

Thank you Matt!  I'm still feeling a bit off and I'm still worried about going to work Monday, but I'm trying not to dwell.    I have a friend that said I can call her anytime as she wasn't going through anything.   I said I didn't want to burden people with my issues, and that everyone else has their own issues to deal with that are worse than mine.   Seems like most of  my friends and  family are going through some major things right now, such as marriage break up, brother terminally ill, stuff  like that, so I feel completely selfish with my own issues which are so minor compared to that kind of turmoil, even if I'm behaving like something major is going on, there isn't really just work stress.

I also went to see my dr. today, and she said I shouldn't have tried to quit on my own, and that when I'm ready we will adjust my meds, or add  zyban to it so that I don't get this way next time.    For now she didn't adjust anything, she said keep smoking, feel better and come back in three weeks.    That felt a bit encouraging, not that I can even think about quitting now, it's getting me through the day.

I started the online program, lesson one read, and I'll start using the diary and tracker asap.   
Laura
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5 years ago 0 Laura 35 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Question to Ponder...

 I hear what you are saying, and I've been told by my Mom, and my Boss that I'm my worst enemy as well.  I know the tendency to beat yourself up, over what you should have done, or how you should feel.   If I treated others the way I treat myself, I wouldn't have anyone at all in my life, or a job.   It's the negative self talk that needs to be challenged.  

You deserve to be treated with respect, with love, and with kindness.    It's hard to ask for what you need, even of yourself, but it really is true.   

I hope you feel better soon, as I hope I feel better soon.

Laura
Laura
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5 years ago 0 Laura 35 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
miss y´all; crying over nothing at all

Thanks for the kind words m, it means a lot that you guys are here for me, as I go through this.  I had a pretty good day today, I'm not back to my normal happy self, but I did meet a my trusted friend that I work with at the beach, the tide was out, and it was a gorgeous sunny day.  We walked way out in the sand and warm water, and talked and she is very understanding.  Then we met up with another of her friends and found a little cafe and had lunch.  I forced down half a sandwich and took the rest home.   
I also found some good apps for my phone, for anxiety and depression, that are from exel for life, and they have all kinds of articles, tests and audio meditations, that you can take anywhere.  I sat down in my zero gravity chair on my deck, and leaned it all the way back and did a few meditations.    The one I liked the best is the rainbow meditation, and it takes you on a journey through a rainbow, and each color is a different emotion.  So red is strength and orange is happiness, and yellow is joy and so on...and the thing is that if you practice it everyday, you will be able to call up the emotion you need by imagining that color.  They are based on CBT so they go with what we are doing here.

How was your day, are you working?  
Laura
Laura
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5 years ago 0 Laura 35 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Question to Ponder...

m,  You are most welcome!  I am here to listen and learn, and support as well as get support.   It helps to know you aren't alone, even when you feel so broken and unlovable and not good enough.    I think that is the underlying theme of my life, that I've never been good enough.   I feel like I've spent my whole life trying to prove to myself that I am good enough.   I spent 10 years in night school while working full-time and I thought that when I finally go my designation that I would feel good enough.  Nope, then I felt like I should know more than I do, or be in a higher position than I am because I've got the paper.   I take every criticism at work or even what I'm sure is meant as constructive advice to mean that I'm doing things wrong, and that I'm just not good enough.     I've been with the same company for 17 years, and we are all like family, get along for the most part and they are really an awesome company.   I work my butt off for them, I do my best go in early, stay late, work from home at night when necessary, but I still don't feel good enough.    This past week I "should" have gotten the financial statements out, but both myself and my assistant kept being pulled away from it with other things we had to deal with, and so we couldn't get them finished.   I know I'll get them out tomorrow first thing, but I still feel like that is a failure, a little black mark against me.   I told the CFO before I left that we wouldn't get them out Friday, and she didn't seem angry, but I could tell she wasn't pleased.    I can't help but feel like I let her down.    I know that this is a perfectionistic way of thinking.    Like I don't expect other people to be perfect, and I know I'm not perfect, but I still want to be.....and because I can't be perfect, I beat myself up.

I am going to go in there tomorrow and finish up the statement, and tackle the rest of the day as best I can.   I hope you have a good Monday 

Laura
Laura
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5 years ago 0 Laura 35 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Introduction

Hi, 
My name is Laura and I suffer from Anxiety and Depression.  I've posted a bit already, but never really made a proper introduction.   So here it is.  

I have had this "illness" as I am learning that it is an illness, for probably most of my life.   Not sure why, but here it is, and I've been trying to deal with it, in whatever way I can my whole life.   

Maybe it's stuff from my teen years that started it.  My sister 4 years older, got sick with Chrohn's disease when she was 16 and I was 12.  She was very sick in the hospital for 6 months, and then at home sick for another 6...the first time anyway, at the same time my grandmother was in a nursing home.  My Mom worked and when she wasn't working she was either at the hospital, nursing home, or exhuasted...I am the youngest of 4 kids, my oldest sister had moved out already, and my brother who was working and living his own life, and my Dad.   
In those days, it was the kids that did the "chores" and I was the only one home, so I did a lot around the house, making sure my Dad and brother got fed, did the dishes and vacummed, bathrooms, etc. after school, before I started on my homework, I can remember my Dad and Brother and Sister complaining if the food wasn't perfect, and teasing me.  I also remember feeling very alone, and like I wanted my Mom.  I missed her, and I was sad.  I didnt go out after school, I didn't do sports, or have fun time with friends.   As I got older, it continued along those lines as my sister was in and out of the hospital.   I felt invisable, and remember trying to do everything I could just so my family would say something nice to me, or to feel loved.   I'm not saying they didn't love me, I know they did, and they do, I just wasn't a priority, after all my sister could have died.    
As I went through my teen years, I started hanging out with kids that smoked and were not the "good" kids, and I started rebelling,  I started smoking at 15, and although I was never a bad kid, I did some things that were not "good".   When I was 17, I got myself into a situation where I was date raped, I blame myself because I should have known that he wouldn't take no for answer, and even though I fought, I was weak next to him.   I didn't tell anyone, because I was scared I'd be blamed, and I didn't have the kind of relationship with my parents that we could have discussed that sort of thing anyway.
Well, I would eventually have to tell them, because I got pregnant from that, and there I was 17, and I couldn't keep it a secret any longer.  I initially thought about abortion, but I was too far along, and I finally broke down and told my sister. And then my Mom.   My Mom told my Dad.  I never discussed it with my Dad, we just ignored it.  Even when I was big as a house, we didn't talk about it.    My Mom and I decided that it would be best to give the baby up for adoption, and at the time I thought that would be best for everyone.   When she was born, I changed my mind.  I wanted to keep her, at 18 with no skills, just graduated from high school a few weeks before.   I knew I couldn't impose on my Parents to keep both me and a baby at home, and they weren't offering.  I felt trapped, and I cried for 10 days straight,  That was how long you had to wait to sign the adoption papers.  After 10 days and seeing no other alternative, I signed the papers.
I tried to move on with my life, but I always felt that I had something very important to me, my baby, taken away from me.  I was too weak to stand up and say no, I will not give her up, but I didn't.    Never wanted to be a burden.
I gue
Laura
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5 years ago 0 Laura 35 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Introduction

ha ha,  yes I went on and on a bit didn't I...thanks for reading, I had to get it out.   here is the rest...if you care to read more :)

Well, after all that I know that my life is cake walk compared to some of things I've heard, and seen. 
I don't blame my parents or my family, and I always thought we had a pretty good family life all things considered.  I know they did the best they could with what they knew.  I honestly don't spend much time dwelling on the past, except for insight into why I am the way I am now.
I have had two long-term common law relationships that I left, because it was over... I was being taken advantage of emotionally and financially.  Neither of them thought I was good enough for them, always wanting me to be something I'm not. I've been single since I left the last one about 13 years ago.  I have a nice little townhouse, and a good job, and friends and family that do love me, and my kitty who is my constant companion and is always there for me.  
I don't date, I've tried but I'm extremely guarded and picky.  I feel I have every right to be, but just can't be bothered going there after the last two...too much trouble to even bother.  I worked my butt off and did night school for 10 years while working full time to get my designation.  I thought that if I had that, I would feel smart enough, but nope, then I just worried, that I was in over my head, and couldn't hack it.
Haha....and that leads me to now.    Still feeling not good enough, and still struggling to be approved of.   

Honestly, Smoking keeps me on an even keel - was good, happy even before I tried to quit.   I enjoy my little garden, I have a 10 by 5 plot at a community garden I just started this year.   Of course my kitty makes me happy.  I enjoy my sisters kids, and now their kids.  I'm a great auntie!   Music is a great escape, and I was learning to play guitar, but ended up with wrist and shoulder issues.  I want to try again, but I think I need to start back at the beginning...as it's been a while.  

Thanks to you both for reading, and giving me someone I can spill it all out too.   I really appreciate it, I really do.
Laura 

Laura
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5 years ago 0 Laura 35 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Another emotion today...Frustration!

OMG, what a day!

I waste so much time and energy at work, going around in circles because I can't get the information I need to do my job.  I've spent so much time with this same issue, and it never gets better or easier, and I need other people to give me information to do it.   I politely email them, and ask for help, and I get ignored, or told to ask someone else, when I do that person says go back to the first person, and I get ignored.   I ask my boss for advice, and tell her what I've done to get the info, and she says I should talk to the person and not just email them...because for some reason, some people are just not good with email...even when I have to send them data.   So I go to them in person and nicely ask if they have time to get me the info, they ignore me, tell me to go away, or say I'm too busy for that, I have better things to do.   I'm so frustrated in this and I have no more ideas as to how to solve the problem.   I've had this exact issue many times, and it's at managements request that I do this task.  I'm tired of dealing with people who don't get that I'm just trying to do my job, I'm not hassling them, I'm always polite and understanding, I know we are all too busy, but I still need the data.
I never do that to people at work, I never ignore email requests for help from co-workers, I may not have time to get their answer immediately but I always respond to them usually within a few minutes, either with the info if it doesn't take long, or with a time when I will get it to them....why can't other people have the same curtosy?   why am I feeling like I'll get fired for not doing my job, when they get away with that crap?
oh well, that's my rant for today...I will go to the holder of the data tomorrow and nicely ask if he got my email, and when he thinks I can get the information, and if says ask so and so I might lose it, but no I can't do that.  I will walk away, and try to calm down.   Then go ask the other person, and see what happens....what a freaking waste of my time.  well that's not important is it, it's just me after all, the invisible one.
How do I make myself not invisable, any ideas?

Calgon take me away!
Laura
Laura
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5 years ago 0 Laura 35 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
miss y´all; crying over nothing at all

oh m, you sound like such a wonderful lady...no I'm not 113, sometimes I feel like I am though.   I would share the beach with you, and we could walk it together if you are ever up here in beautiful British Columbia!!!   

I have been to some the southern states, California, Arizona, and do love the warmth and sunshine, but I couldn't leave BC, the snow capped mountains, the walks in the woods, the ocean....ahhhhh we really have it all here.  we do unfortunately get a lot of rain, which can make the depression so much worse.   

I had a crappy day today, but I'm putting it behind me and moving on...another one is coming tomorrow! 

I will have to change my age I guess...I'm only 46 really, but reading your post made me laugh :)

Laura

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