miss y´all; crying over nothing at all
Wow, I've been reading this post and it's so good to know that I'm not alone.
I've suffered from what I consider a low grade depression with intense anxiety and sometimes major depression mixed in for good measure periodically.
I have been on paxil 20mg for probably 15 years, and have never adjusted the dose. I pretty much just accept that I need it and except for the occasional thought that jeez it would be nice to get off that drug, I am scared to, and then a major episode comes and I put that thought out of mind very quickly.
I have been pretty good depression wise for years, going through the motions of life, work, home, stuff but not too much stuff, as I seem to need a lot of alone time. The anxiety is normally in reaction to work stress, and I deal with that by working too much...but I do get through it.
Well, June 1 I decided it was time to really try to get healthy, and I quit smoking...and started working earlier so I could hopefully leave earlier and get to the gym, or go for a walk or bike ride. I wanted to correct my poor eating habits and yes, maybe if things went well after a while I could successfully get off the meds.
I made it 30 days smoke free, and it has really thrown me for a loop. I went back to smoking because I can't stand myself. I have tried to quit before, and always the same reaction, but this is the longest period of time I've done it for so that is probably why the depression and anxiety I'm now feeling is so bad.
I work in a profession environment, and I have been having a conversation with a VP, or CFO or another co-worker and have burst into tears. How embarrassing! Now I'm afraid, terrified that they all think I'm losing it. I explained that I was having a strange reaction to quiting smoking, and outwardly they seemed understanding, but now I'm afraid of not being able to function properly at work, and then my brain starts thinking about losing my job, and because I'm single I have no fall back, and that thought just scares the heck out of me.
Just for fun, I was scanning the job ads, and noticed that all the jobs I should be qualified to do seem way over my head, and that just makes the fear that much worse....I feel like I'm spiraling out of control.
I've not been able to eat, much - coffee, lots of water, and a protein shake, a few carrots is all I have been able to eat in a day, and sleeping is troubled, wakeful or non-existent.
I never take a sick day, I just carry on with whatever I need to do, but it's becoming hard to hide. Yes, I do feel I need to hide...I have worked in the HR dept at work, although I'm not as involved anymore, I've seen how this can go, and I can't have that.
Anyway, I found this through the employer EAP, and I called and talked to a counselor who has set me up with an in person session with another counselor, in a week. I am going to try to get in to see my dr. on the weekend and see what she can suggest. I loath the idea of changing meds, because that comes with it's own set of problems, but I may be desperate enough to try increasing my meds.
I feel so mad, because I feel like this is all because I tried to quit smoking....not sure if that is true, as I have had some pretty bad anxiety in the months before, that at least once led to a crying episode in front of my boss....but I think the not smoking was just a point of not having anything to help me cope.
I haven't really got any friends or family I can talk to about this, I have friends but not close friends. I don't see them except at work most of the time, I push people away, or I don't allow them in to my world much.