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Baye
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7 years ago 0 Baye 18 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Have been thinking. Long winded get a cuppa!

I was driving home from work last week and realized something.  I joined the depression site about a week and a half or two weeks ago. 
 
For many years, there are periods when having to leave my house is a gut wrentching decision.  This the putting my finger on something moment, when I had and I hate the work breakdown at work.  But that is what it was, I walked into the department I supervised and felt like my body was breaking into tiny bits and landing on the floor.  It was scary and I just crumbled emotionally and had to leave the building.
 
The next day I went back to work add anti depressants and the first few days I walked into the building I had problems breathing and was very uncomfortable mentally.  From that day forward for a few years, I only went to work and then came home.  I didn't stop anywhere along the way and was a hermit.  My mom couldn't understand it and would say what if you took an art class or something that interested me to get out of the house.  All I could say is "I can't", I could never explain it.  My life those years consisted spending all my time online in chatrooms or emailing with people I met online.
 
At some point, things changed and I was leaving the house.  I flew to Winnipeg two times for Christmas to be with a nice couple I met online.  I even flew out to meet someone on a weekend.  There were two trips to Sault St.Marie which is 1000 Km from Montreal, which I did on a friday after work.  The first time not realizing that after Ottawa the 401 becomes a two lane highway most of the way.
 
Anyway back to the point,  then I met my partner online we talked for a month with email and on the phone.  We met in person and for three months I drove the 3 hours to see her every weekend.  I quite my job and then moved to be with her, we have been together ever since. 
 
So I seem to go through episodes of having to leave the house.  For awhile when I moved to Kingston, I was okay.  Then it will start again.  I don't have physical things going on, like problems breathing or shaking or what alot of people mention here. 
 
It is just a gut wrenching internal struggle, I have no words for what I am feeling.  Which might be why my doctor didn't think much of it because I get to work almost everyday.
 
But if I know I have to be out to do something, I am constantly thinking of things.  There is a women's art festival in August my partner is a vendor, I go because she needs does not drive and there is alot of stuff.  I had booked off the Monday because I was going to be out all day Sunday.  It is very bizarre and my thinking is I will still have my two days at home.  We were rained out and I still took the Monday off because we were going then not going.  It was a nightmare for me till 11am, when she finally said "No we are not going".
 
When we have been out I have a great time and say we have to do this again.  Then it is the struggle all over again, it is damn tiring emotionally.
 
But I put my finger on when it started...... 
 
 
Baye
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7 years ago 0 Baye 18 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Have been thinking. Long winded get a cuppa!

Davit, sorry to bring up unpleasant memories.  I have not gotten to the core belief section yet.  Just knowing that someone really understands what I have never had the word/words for, really helps.  Thank you.
 
Vincenza, Well since I pinpointed it I had an appointment with my GP because he had increased my anti depressants two weeks ago.  I was able to get to talk about my realization and he did not realize how bad things were. 
 
He is referring me to a physiatrist who also deals with people that have coronic illness, I have type 2 diabetes.  My doctor said  I should get an appointment in a few weeks,the physiatrist has a short waiting list.  My doctor also prescribed  anxiety meds, which I will pick up tomorrow.  I was pretty drained after my appointment and just wanted to get home.
 
I am slowly working my way through the program here.  I am also on the depression site and the stop smoking site.
 
Baye
Baye
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8 years ago 0 Baye 18 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Another dip in the road of life.

I never did like rollercoasters (motion sickness) and yet that seems to be what my life is.  I have been on meds for depression since 97 after a meltdown a work from stress. I have been in therapy in the past in my early tweens, again at 18 and in the early or mid 20's. 
 
So I am 44 and the depression, at times is under control and at times not.  I also struggled with leaving the house, I believe it is tied into the meltdown from alot of overtime and stress.  This too seems to come and go. 
 
Last week my Dr. increased my meds but thinks my anger is just anger.  But I scare myself because it is like a switch and I just react.
 
I spend most weekends sleeping so I don't have to deal with anything.  And I have cut myslef after leaving my Dr.'s because I was so upset and overwhelmed.
 
I am glad I found this website.
 
Thank you,
 
Baye
 
 
Baye
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8 years ago 0 Baye 18 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Another dip in the road of life.

Hi Ashley,
 
In 97 I was just put on meds, and was not offered any counselling.  The GP that  prescribed the pills wanted me to go to the hospital.  I couldn't do it and asked for a note so that I could have two weeks not being a supervisor in the department and just an assembler.  I was back to work the next day,  when the two weeks were up I gave up the supervising job.  I am sure there are alot of unresolved issues and that is also when the leaving the house started.   I know the first few days at work I was having trouble breathing and was very uncomfortable physically and mentally.
 
I saw a Psychologist for a year or two which my mother paid for in my early 20's.  As I mentioned in my first post I have been in therapy from 11 or 12.  At different times in my life.
 
I can consider anger management but I do not believe that is my problem.  When I have lashed out it is during extreme stress.  When I have become overwhelmed and am afraid.
 
I signed up at the panic center a week ago .  But have not done anything there as yet, because I was going to my Dr. to talk and see if my not leaving the house was anxiety.  Because I manage to get to work, he didn't really say anything about anxiety.  Even when I said I struggle internally everytime  I need to go out, I have a step daughter getting married in July next year in Barrie Ontario and I know we will have to be away for at least the night and I am anxious and stressed about it now. 
 
I know that I need help because I can not continue to live like this.  I want to be happy which is why I have spent the last week trying to find some help/support. 
 
I joined the site yesterday and to be honest I was overwhelmed with the first page when it loaded. 
 
I just want to know that someone is listening.  I am very close to my mother, I have always talked to her about things.  But I cannot burden her this time, she is not well.  I have put her through enough with the moods, depression and cutting.  I can't do it again, I live three hours away and only manage to see her 2 times a year.  It is always a quick trip, I live Saturday morning to arrive in Montreal by noon and I leave Sunday at noon to be back in Kingston.
 
I am sorry for rambling, it is just coming out.  I have kept it inside for so long.
 
I will start the program now.
 
Thank you,
Baye
 
 
 
 
 
 
Baye
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8 years ago 0 Baye 18 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Another dip in the road of life.

Hi Samantha,
 
I started yesterday and went through the first section while listening to relaxation music which is one of my goals for 30 minutes a day.  Anyway I printed out the activity tracker sheets for the week, feeling hopeful yet totally exhausted. 
 
By 7:15 I was ready for bed but did stay up until 9, even though I got into bed but did read. 
 
I will definately be breaking it up into blocks, I was just anxious to get started. 
 
One thing I have noticed over the last several months is that I have prolems remembering things.  That includes my morning meds even when I have them right in front of me.  I'll see them and mentally say "Have to take them at 9am" then look at the monitor time after 9 and usually mutter "sh*t".
 
So I will most likely run through the first section again after work but this time do it in 10 or 15 minute blocks.  As I mentioned I am not remembering things very well and forget things sometimes 10 minutes after hearing or reading it.  It is frustrating especially at work when I am given a new task or one that I have done before but haven't done in a few months.  Atleast the person that is assigning the tasks is understanding and even says you haven't done it for months, but I know this is not normal for me.
 
I'll work on the program daily in chunks and it is good to know that I will be heard and someone is listening.  Thank you.
 
Anyway I need to get back to work, the main office staff is just getting in.
 
Baye
 
 
Baye
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8 years ago 0 Baye 18 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Increase in meds = ?

I have had a very irritating and unproductive day at work.  I usually work production but had carpal tunnel and went on modified duties.  I have had the surgery on both wrists and for the last 8 months my modified duties have been working in the office doing filing and a bunch of things. I then developed a problem with another nerve at the elbow and am going for a test on Monday and my need surgery for that, if not I will be going back to production.  I am more than competant on a computer as I have a PC support technican diploma. 
 
Back to my point, we have processes for everything we do/make, the company is a medical manufacture.  I needed to file difference processes and even with them separated into the different ones "General, Lab, Process" and the like realized I was filing the wrong ones in the folders.
 
Then I had to edit said documents and was second guessing myself.  Having to go back and check and recheck that I had the information right.  I was getting frustrated and to be honest didn't get to much done. 
 
My zolfoft was increased to 200mg 6 days ago and just feel scatterbrained.  My memory hasn't been great for many months and today was just horrible. 
 
Then to top it off I forgot my activity tracker at work and I was not going to drive back to get it considering it is 80 km. 
 
Baye
Baye
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8 years ago 0 Baye 18 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Increase in meds = ?

Well I wish I could say better today Ashley but I would be lying.  I just can't focus and concentrate, I am making mistakes and freaking out.  I have switched to another task and am not editting documents but now I am working spreadsheets and everything is a hot mess.
 
Just popped on my lunch just started.  I need some fresh air.
 
Hi m, thanks for the positive and supportive points.  I'll be back later when I get home from work.
 
Baye
Baye
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8 years ago 0 Baye 18 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Your Top 3- If money were not an issue

Now this has me thinking.....  I would have a business so that I had something to do everyday, I am interested in jewellery making and would love to make rings with gemstones.  To be able to cast gold rings and to cut stones would be awesome.
 
My second thing would be moving to the West Coast, I have seen pictures BC and watched tv shows it is so beautiful.  To live by the ocean or even off the beaten path with a river or lake would do.......  In an ultra modern log house.  I might start to drool soon.
 
My third would be to give money to animal rescue organizations for more spay/neuter programs.  It breaks my heart seeing so many unwanted animals.  We have four cats and two gerbils. 
 
Baye
Baye
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8 years ago 0 Baye 18 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Your Top 3 - Losing Track of Time

Well I only have two.  Playing online games and reading a good book.  Right now I am reading Sharon Osborne's autobiography, and some parts you can't help but bust out laughing.  My wife will come into the room because I am alone and practically howling.
 
Baye
Baye
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8 years ago 0 Baye 18 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Increase in meds = ?

I know I was feeling better as I was litterly walking through the office to leave work for the day.  Things were a little better after lunch and all I can say is I'm glad it is Friday tomorrow.
 
I got home and came online and was reading some of the posts and found the TOP 3 Samantha has posted.  I replied to some and feel better.
 
Baye