I'm not sure in this is where I'm supposed to post or not. I apologize in advance for the spelling mistakes/grammar issues.
It starts. Accelerated heart pumping as if it was a piston in a super
sports car, throat feeling constricted, almost as if there was a very
large snake attached to it squeezing for everything it could. Numbness
shooting throughout my entire body, sensitive to the touch I can feel
the air blowing against my skin with an extreme chill almost as if in a
freezer. With so many things going on at one time and your mind trying
to jump into fight or flight with adrenaline pumping and you just
wanting to relax.
The hard part is I know what comes next. I feel so help less at the
moment I have no one to turn to any more, and I assume that it's the
reason I hung on to her for so long. She was my beacon of light in a
world that was so dark with despair. She was the one person I could turn
to and know she would let me open up to her and wouldn't hold it
against me. Any other person I told this too would kind of brush it off
and not understand the difference they made in my life, It made me feel
safe to know some one was always there. In this I grew very protective
of the person I was with, in what would seem as Obsessive to some wasn't
so obsessive to me more than it was some thing like a security blanket.
Truth be told, I've never really returned to normal after the several
abortions / miscarriages. the first one didn't really phase me, as
because as soon as it happened I had found Brittny, the 2nd one was
really devastating and made me push forward harder with the whole
brittny and eric situation that I would have normally left alone. I
couldn't stand her crying, just seeing and hearing brittny crying was
too much for me to handle she had been there for me for so long I wanted
to make things right in her eyes, and that was letting brittny be the
mother of my kids. the 3rd one was extremely painful It's pushed this
back on me even tho it's been over a year I still dream about things.
the feeling of worthlessness returns when I think of these things, Why
would any one want some thing like that with me when I can't do ****.
The beginning was more or around the age of 15 - 16, the very first one
had come after smoking a blunt with mel kendra and bill, i was sitting
in the kitchen and taking the blunt to the head while bill and mel went
to the store. I moved to the living room and it just happened, it came from clear left field I never saw
it coming. I ended up in the emergency room for hours in a room getting
my system cleaned out with a saline solution not my most proud moment I
can tell you that, however it was only a taste of what was to come. the
problems seemed to come from around the stress of having a companion.
over some time the systems would come and go as they would please and
every time it came back it took more and more affect on me, Mentally and
physically. The harder I try to get them to go away it seems the more
they happen, and to be honest I'm extremely fearful of being alone when
the thoughts start racing I can't handle it. I just break down in so
many ways, "oh my god whats happening, why's my heart beating so fast,
places hand on heart wow what the hell is going on. Why does it feel
like im choking try to take a drink and it makes me throat feel sticking
as if im choking on what im trying to drink. Weakness, more in part the
physical weakness problems standing, problems thinking, a million
thoughts being processed at 1 time its over all to much to bare." you
get all that then the adrenaline decides it's time to step in to try to
assist the bodys need for more energy to process everything, yet it only
makes it worse because instead of being able to rest you feel the
constant need to keep moving, and it makes it to where its that much
harder to focus on the task at hand.
one of the factors I view as the worse is the pain of taking medicine
which I'm assuming at this point in time is the result of this returning
once more. at one point in my life I had turned to drugs to coupe with
things that was too overwhelming to me. I was taking medicine IE. pills
such as xanax and valiums to try to coupe with things that I was
purchasing off the street from random people. In this process I about
overdosed this has drove my fears for the medicine for years it makes me
frightened of trying to attempt this again. in the last few weeks I've
attempted taking medicine again, and its taken this toll on me again.
in the past few weeks it's been welcome back to an even worse version of
agoraphobia, I've fought for years to be able to just go 10-15 miles
from the house and now all that work seems like a huge setback to just
return to the house and hardly be able to even leave my room again.