I like how you've already identified a physical sensation (feeling light-headed from not eating) and realized how it triggers your panic cycle. Identifying what causes you to panic is a first major step towards recovery. Even though panic attacks are still miserable, they become a little less scary when you know what is going on. For instance, now you can tell yourself things like "Okay, my body doesn't like this, but the only reason I feel dizzy is because I haven't eaten much today."
I've found that it helps to tell myself panic attacks won't physically harm me and that they do ALWAYS end. Hang in there - the medication will help stabilize you and then you will be in a more comfortable place to tackle this through your counseling and the therapy here.
I also love the dragon analogy. I will join you all in becoming a dragon slayer! The comments you have all made here about banishing dragons today has been an inspiration to me. I was planning to go in for a 4 hour work shift this afternoon but hadn't called yet because the dragon was starting to rear it's ugly head. Now my positive self-talk voice is stronger and I'm going to make that call and go in for that shift!
Ugh, so I just called in (they had told me the could use me any time for a half shift in the afternoon) and the girl there told me they would rather manage without me today because it's a slow day. I know other people probably want the hours but after getting up my courage to call this just really deflated me and now I'm in tears! I guess just another dragon to deal with.
After a short cry (gotta let it out!), I've taken Shari's advice and used this dragon to light a fire under me instead. This is just another sign that this job isn't right for me - I keep trying to prove to myself I can do it but I know I need to move on, and the lack of compassion from some of my co-workers is something I'm tired of dealing with. Instead I'm taking this afternoon to reorganize my digital photo library - a huge task I've been putting off but a necessary one if I'm serious about doing more as a photographer! That way I'll still feel productive about the afternoon.
This is exactly the sort of attitude I need to adopt. I'm definitely going, and if I panic I'll just pull over til it passes like you said. I've done this drive so many times I'll probably be fine anyway. I'll let this dragon keep on flying away!
The relationship between emotions and panic attacks is an interesting one. I'm still delving into my own emotional issues, but from my work with a couple of different counselors over the years I have learned that I am outwardly very "non-emotional". Of course I still have emotions, I just suppress them, and when I get overwhelmed by them I think I'm more susceptible to panic attacks. Anxiety might be my body's way of saying "Hey! There is something here you really need to pay attention to!" How to express emotions like anger in a healthy way is complicated....a process I'm still working on!
I'm glad to hear you say "I'm not anxious"! After being in a heightened state of anxiety for a long time the body definitely has some recovering to do. This takes different forms for everyone, but hopefully your chest will feel better soon. If not, just check back with your doctor to make sure and give you some piece of mind.
It does help SO much to talk to others who are going through the same thing. For instance it immediately made me feel a little better to read that you are also working through the transition of doing less paid work in order to take care of yourself. It's tough for us workaholics! One thing that was tough for me was people would always tell me how good I was at my job and how it was such a perfect job for me, yet I was having all these struggles with anxiety and was bottling them up. A lot of people at work also really don't "get" the anxiety thing which made it a tough environment to be in to work through some of this stuff. I don't feel guilt with every self-care thing I do, but if I do too much of those sorts of things and not enough of what I deem "productive" (whatever that is!) then I feel guilty and restless. I'm glad I found this site too, and I'm glad you're here!
Sweatbee-
Maybe you could start out small with one of your business ideas so it's not too overwhelming? That could help you feel like you're getting out of the rut but make sure it's something manageable at first, so you are running it rather than it running you!
My beliefs and emotions surrounding my job are so jumbled up just like in the situation you describe. Everyone has always told me this was the perfect job for me and that I was so lucky to have it (though they only see the surface of it, not what we really always deal with). At first I did love it, but things got more complicated as I changed, the company changed, the work I was doing for the company changed. Everyone tells me I'm so good at what I do - but I'm actually getting paid less than some other employees that have been there a shorter amount of time than me! Talk about conflicting signals. Plus loving parts of it but feeling used or trapped or in a rut in other senses and then the panic attacks throwing a wrench in everything. There is so much to sort out I'm trying to work through it one level at a time, starting with being okay that I'm not doing that job anymore - and eventually accepting what I deep down know to be true, that I'm better off without it and there are plenty of other things out there I could do and be successful at!
I kind of ended up rambling on there but that's what all came up for me after reading Davit's last post.
This dragon analogy continues to be a great one. Thanks for posting how you've successfully been using water instead of gasoline to address the fires your dragons have created - it sounds like you are doing a great job. My positive self-talk voice has been getting stronger too. Yesterday I felt the gag feeling coming on and just told myself "You're fine, nothing bad will happen to you with this sensation" and "I don't want to go there (panic attack) right now!" I felt the sensation for maybe 15 minutes or so but focused on doing something else and it went away without getting worse. I've also had some anticipatory worry about the drive coming up for me on Saturday and I've just told myself to deal with the day when it comes, I've done this many times before and been just fine, and that if I panic I'll stop and deal with it and then it will pass, that's all.
This whole discussion about dragons has reminded me of a quote from the book Simple Abundance that says, "It's simply not an adventure worth telling if there aren't any dragons."
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