Thanks for your thoughts Cleo. I think I do need to find another job, because this one isn't right for me anymore.
But, I want to prove to myself that I can do it - I don't want avoidance to win, so I want to work at least a few more shifts and survive it, hopefully decreasing my anxiety in the process. I'm going in for a 4 hour shift in half an hour - I'm really nervous! I'm tempted to take a Xanax ahead of time but I'm not going to - I'll just bring it along just in case. I'm trying to challenge all my negative talk, telling myself I might get through it just fine! Wish me luck....
Again, I'm finding this thread really helpful too because I'm just starting to try and identify my negative core beliefs. Like Shari I'm starting to notice the "red flags" that indicate there is a negative core belief there. What I'm wondering is how important is it to figure out where that belief initially came from? For instance I am a perfectionist and always have been.....straight-A student through school, always set the bar much higher for myself than anyone else does. Do I need to know why I feel this way to start challenging the belief that I have to give 110% at everything I do or else I'm a failure? I have identified the belief, but I don't know yet where this comes from for me.
Cleo - I have also gotten the "you're weird" comment throughout my life. I have learned to say "thank you!" when someone says this to me because how fun is it to be like everyone else anyway? I embraced my quirkiness at a pretty young age. I remember when it started to happen for me was in 5th grade when all the girls were starting to get into make-up and going to the mall. I tried for that year to be "like them" and I wasn't having any fun at all! I made a decision to just be myself - much more of a tomboy. As I got older I began to find there were a lot of other girls like me I could associate with.
Anitra - Welcome! I am currently working on session 7 and have been doing my homework along the way. It is all about small steps forward. It's not all easy but it definitely seems to work. Keep posting here as anything comes up for you - questions, frustrations, successes, etc. The support you get from these forums is, I've found, just as beneficial as the program itself! It sounds like you're already getting a more positive attitude, and that's great!
Hi James - Welcome to the site! I just read this thread since Sunny recently posted, and I was wondering how you were doing with the program? In addition to other things I also get really anxious about flying, and I'm starting to plan how I will prepare for a flight around the holidays this year. I have mostly been working on my agoraphobia and anticipatory anxiety so far, but I'd love to hear about how the program has helped you work on your fear of flying!
I successfully worked the 4 hour shift in the office the other day without having a panic attack. I was anxious but my anxiety dropped from a 7 to a 3 while I was there and I was really happy with how it went.
Yesterday I went out on a 4 hour boat trip just for fun to try and enjoy the experience again without the added pressure of work. It didn't go as well - it was a rougher day and a lot of people got sea sick, and since I have emetophobia that triggered a full blown panic attack. Miserable - I ended up taking a Xanax just to survive the rest of the trip and get home. I'm trying not to think of it as a failure - instead it was an experiment and I learned something from it. That was too big of a step for me right now, and there is something about the boat that makes my anxiety worse than when I'm in the office.
I'm going to try and take another short office shift or two in the next week, but though I felt really good after the last shift the panic attack on the boat has shaken my confidence again, even though it was in a completely different situation. :-/
Thanks everyone for your responses - as always they help a lot.
Sunny - Giving myself a break is definitely something I need to work on. I keep telling myself baby steps are okay. As soon as I do one thing successfully my instinct is to go right on to something harder, but I do need to take time to adjust. Thanks for reminding me, as it helps to hear it from someone else.
Davit - I had been taking Xanax before boat shifts before I stopped work, but I didn't like how much I was using it. My decision for now is to know and accept why it happened and continue to work on agoraphobia without the boat for now - it was just too much. The panic attack two days ago was so bad (definitely a 10/10) I still feel like I'm recovering from it - ugh. The thought of being sick is something else I'm going to have to work on at some point. I haven't thrown up for 14 years - I somehow have control over it too.
Red - Thank you. I'm trying to let the boat experience go for now, and plan to take another shift or two at work this week. Hopefully I can just build on that success. It really helps to hear you say it's a huge accomplishment, because I get frustrated sometimes when it just feels like baby steps like I said above. Why is it it's so much easier to focus on the rougher moments than to bask in the successes?
I am working through doing exposure and challenging my negative thoughts but this one sensation - the gag feeling, or lump in the throat - has stayed present. Sometimes I get it with allergies as I've mentioned before but it can also come with anxiety and anxiety definitely makes it worse. I'm getting really frustrated that this feeling won't go away. Even when I'm at home doing something relaxing I still have a little bit of this nagging sensation.
Does anyone else experience this with any anxious physical symptom, where it is ever-present at least a little bit, even when you're not anxious? I have been dealing with some anxiety every day during exposure if nothing else, so when I've made more progress will it go away entirely?
I posted a question about the practicing with panic session regarding the gag reflex that no one ever answered....do you think experimenting with it in a structured manner and realizing nothing bad will happen when I feel it will help it go away? It's here so often I don't want to induce it when I'm not struggling with it!
I never realized it so clearly until I read your post here, but I think lack of direction is playing a huge part in my anxiety. I graduated from college 3 years ago and have been trying to find "my path" since then. In the meantime I've been returning to the same job I had in the summers during college which has left me feeling in a rut and with no way to grow - maybe that's part of the reason I've developed so much anxiety around my job? I am extremely self-motivated so the lack of direction has been very hard for me. I don't know if I want to go back to school for a more advanced degree or what exactly my calling is. It's especially hard with the economy the way it is and not many people hiring in my field. My problem has been I have all this motivation but I don't know what to do with it! Someone asked me a few weeks ago, "What is it, if you could do anything, that you want to do?" The first thing that came to mind was: wildlife photographer. So, in addition to taking steps through the program here, I am working on taking steps to expand my photography career.
I like Shari's idea of making a list of childhood dreams (or current dreams!). Maybe now you have time to do that thing you always put off - learning another language, learning to play an instrument, learning to raise chickens! I should be taking my own advice here.... :)
Thanks for posting this topic. It's really shed some light on my own situation! Let's keep the conversation going on how to find direction and motivation.
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