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lisamarie333
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10 years ago 0 lisamarie333 81 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
One good week a month!

I have went through the loss of my son March 3, 2003 and my daughter May 2, 2007. Michael Lee would have been 6 and Eva Michelle would have been 2. I have experienced both depression/anxiety since both of my losses. I have one good week a month where there is no worrying, no fears. I have been experiencing horrible panic attacks recently, so bad that I have the fear that I am dying and possibly having a heart attack. It makes me scared to go to sleep in fear that I won't wake up the next morning. I have been in CBT and it helped me tremendously. My counselor stated that I no longer needed services and was no longer on any medications. I felt great and confident that I had overcame both. I have really rough periods because of endometriosis and can almost tell you exactly the day when my anxiety starts, when it will be at its worst then when I will be feeling "normal" again. It has been so "routine" and I have no idea how to get through this. I have been talking myself down from my anxiety in the past, but this week I had to take xanax. I stayed home and slept all day - Thanksgiving - of all days! That is not like me at all. I do have a lot of stress going on in my life currently. I broke up with my fiance in August and had raised his 4 young children for almost 2 years. He was emotionally abusive and I had to get out. I stayed for over a year to protect the kids, but then when it got to where he would yell at me in front of them I couldn't do it anymore - I had to get out. Losing the interaction with the kids has brought on my depression/anxiety and at the same time leaving him has brought me relief to be out of that situation. I go to court next week to ask the judge to make him give me my things back or the money value of them. Six months ago, I lost my only living Grandma, then 2 days ago I lost my Great Aunt and a close friend's father. Attending any funeral makes me re-live my past over and over again. It somehow triggers emotions that I must have held back and never grieved all the way through. Well this is my story and I hope that someday we can all find answers and relief from our problems!
lisamarie333
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10 years ago 0 lisamarie333 81 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
One good week a month!

Thank you for your support and for this support group!  I am not really sure why I didn't finish the grieving process - I guess I just feel I haven't because each funeral I go to I re-live losing my angels all over again.  I have had the non-stop feeling like I am having a heart attack since I went to my Aunt's funeral Wednesday.  I finally broke down and took Xanax yesterday and had to again today.  Unfortunately, it makes me sleep so I cannot even function during the day taking it and if I don't take something, I am so scared thinking that I am having a heart attack and going to die.  I have tried Lorazepam for the anxiety at night and that actually made me hallucinate and have nightmares.  I was worse off taking the med.  I can talk myself down from the anxiety most of the time, but this time it is much more intense and I don't know what to do.  I am not scared to go out and be social...I am on 2 bowling leagues and also sing Karaoke - which both seem to help me feel "normal" being around people.  Thank you again for you support.  I appreciate any advice!
 
Lisa
lisamarie333
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10 years ago 0 lisamarie333 81 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
One good week a month!

I just finished my first session of the toolbox.  I am excited to have this support to help me.  Unfortunately, I am feeling like I am getting a sinus infection and bronchitis, which seems to be making me feel more panicky.  I am trying to use positive self-talk and challenge my anxiety.  Pretty intense though and I cannot take any meds for it until I get home from work tonight.  I did take some OTC cold medicine that the pharmacist said I could take while using Xanax.  My asthma has also flared up so I am having to use my inhalers again as well.  I just want to feel "normal" again!
lisamarie333
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10 years ago 0 lisamarie333 81 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
One good week a month!

Thank you for your reply.  I do that same exact thing...fighting the sleep making the anxiety worse.  I am hoping to see my family dr on Monday to figure out what options I have.  Thanks again for your post!  I appreciate the advice/suggestion!
lisamarie333
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10 years ago 0 lisamarie333 81 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
What are you thankful for?

Although my Family wasn't able to get together this year for Thanksgiving Dinner because my Mom had to work....I am Thankful for having my Family - My Parents, my brothers and all my nieces and nephews.  I am Thanful for my Friends as well...who have stuck by my through the hard times as well as the good times.  I am Thankful for my Job - Teaching. 
lisamarie333
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10 years ago 0 lisamarie333 81 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Your top 3 list - Life's simple pleasures

This is kind of hard!  I would have to say my 3 top simple pleasures in life are...Snuggling with the dogs, wrapping up in a blanket that just came out of the dryer and soaking in the bathtub.
lisamarie333
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10 years ago 0 lisamarie333 81 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Rebuilding your self-esteem

I definitely have experienced low self-esteem from being in an abusive relationship.  I was making poor decisions, I pushed away all of my family and friends.  One day my Mom finally had enough seeing my like that and yelled at me...which was an ultimate blessing because that was my wake-up call.  I finally seen what was going on and that I was not in a good place.  I left the guy and immediately started counseling.  I recently joined 2 Bowling leagues and sing Karaoke quite often.  I finally have the self-confidence to go out and at the same time, make good choices and decisions.  After my divorce years ago, I had no self-esteem then as well and I was very careless and ended up in short-term relationships with guys that didn't even care.  I haven't slept with anyone since my breakup and that shows me that I am a better person now because I feel better about myself and am not settling for just any guy.  I hope that everyone on here that has low self-esteem finds their "inner voice" and expresses it!
lisamarie333
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10 years ago 0 lisamarie333 81 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Who and What has helped you the most?

My MOM has been my Rock!  She has supported me even through the times that I was not "myself".  She helped me to grieve the loss of my baby boy and my baby girl, while at the same time grieving for them herself.  My Mom has stood by me and loves me unconditionally.  She is my Best Friend!
lisamarie333
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10 years ago 0 lisamarie333 81 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Question

I am scheduled to go to court tomorrow to get my things back or the money value of my things from my ex-fiance.  I am suing him and have proof of ownership on my items.  So why am I so terrified to go to court?  I think about going tomorrow morning and my whole body gets freezing cold and I get the tingles.  It is like I keep re-playing the whole situation in my head and it hasn't even happened yet!!!  I am not worried about losing at court....maybe I haven't truly let my Ex go so I can move on.  Typing that last sentence just made me even colder and starting to tear up.  Guess maybe I just answered my own question.  I appreciate any advice or suggestions!
lisamarie333
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10 years ago 0 lisamarie333 81 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Question

Thank you Ashley.  I can definitely answer those questions about him with a NO.  I am glad that I am out of the relationship although thoughts keep coming into my head...the what if's.  I know that I cannot change the past although I CAN control my future!  I am excited that after tomorrow, he will have zero control over anything in my life.  It is almost like he is holding my stuff as a last control effort.  My Mom and my Aunt & Uncle will be with me at Court tomorrow.  I wish all of you could be there as well!  I will definitely take your motivational words with me and the advice!  Thank you for replying.
 
Lisa