Just found the site, and took the survey. I have PTSD from childhood SA by family,neighbors. Recently grandfather passed away, I had to get protection order against my husband for abuse. My anxiety attacks feel like heart attacks. I do a lot of things to avoid them,but nothing really works. I get close to calling ambulance often. I want to die often too so I guess it's not so bad thinking I'm going to die. I go to therapy 2x week,but so far I have too much anxiety to really get anything done.
I live on a little farm with 3 horses,ducks,chickens,geese. I have 4 human children,1 dog and 4 cats. So, that's me! for now..
This might be wierd but I like filling out MySpace surveys. I made one up recently too,lol. It really gets my mind rolling trying to be creative. LOL, I worry so much about how differnt I am then I go out of my way to be different, hmmm.
I feel like reading all of this stuff about anxiety, is fueling my fears of anxiety. It's describing what I'm afraid I'm going to feel and I know I'm going to feel and I don't want to feel. The anxiety makes me dread going to my shrink,or doing anything that makes me feel more anxiety, or the panicky feeling like I'm trying to push everything away and I have to get away. I think I'm being watched and everyone knows I'm worried and afraid. It really is driving me insane. I fantasize about just taking off and running away from everyone dissapearing forever.
I've been thinking up new things lately that cause me even more anxiety than before and new symptoms. I have the "heart attacks" out of the blue more often. I've started worrying that I've done something horribly wrong ie.kill someone.I am always getting a really strong pang of guilt like I did something really horribly bad. I am afraid I killed someone kind of fear. I even have visions of a dead person! Does anyone ever feel that way? I never feel like my abuse was bad enough, so I don't feel like I deserve to be wounded by it and people act like I'm wounded and use that as an excuse for why I feel things about their behavior. I see other peoples bad behavior and feel guilty for it like I did it and like I need to go repent or something. It's driving me insane. Does thinking I'm going to go insane prevent me from going insane? I've thought that a lot of times,and here I am and since it hasn't happened, at least as far as being institutionalized I haven't gone insane, as far as anyone knows, I'm afraid if they saw my drawings,knew how I think,or what I do to myself they would think otherwise. What's wrong with me? I would just rather die than keep feeling this way. I go to bed and can't sleep and start thinking up visions that make me shake and try not to cry.. :gasp:
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