Here Again and in need of help...
I'm back again - I was here about 5 years ago. I am writing on a Monday morning with a fierce hangover and a looming sense of guilt and failure and the recognition that I have a huge problem and it needs addressing. So I'm back. My goal is to stop drinking for a month and re-assess then. Really I should probably aim to give up completely but the thought is overwhelming and scary. So small steps for now.
I drink most nights - wine is my vice. I drink about 1.5 bottles per night and have spent much of the last 6 months lurching (very successfully from an outside perspective) through life with vicious hangovers and a sense of anxiety, deceit and shame. When I look back at my drinking I guess I've always had a problem, but times of hardship and depression seem to be when I hit it the hardest. In the last 6 months, I have been drinking to cope (funnily enough it makes everything harder but I think that's my 'excuse'). I have been through post natal depression, thyroid disease, working a very stressful job without childcare, my best friend, mother and partner have all been diagnosed with cancer (all for the moment OK but continuously stressful), a sibling in trouble with the law, cousin and fiancee in very serious car accident and an old family friend committed suicide. On top of that I struggle being a full-time Mum with no family support around us (a matter of location). So times are very hard... and drinking, while I THINK it helps, is just making it harder for me to process all of what's going on. Excuse the pitiful rant here - just trying to get it all down and understand what the relationship is between grief, stress and my drinking.
I also want to add that I think I'm an excellent Mum (my drinking does affect my energy levels and patience, but I force myself to keep very active and engaged). My partner doesn't drink much at all, and when he's not home I won't drink as much as I'm aware of my responsibility should my child become ill. When he's home though I just go for broke. I don't seem to have that mental mechanism that stops me from drinking once I've had a few. This is what makes me wonder if I'd ever be able to drink responsibly....??? It's also been a vocational hazard since I was in my early 20s. I'm a musician and drinking has always been part of the scene.
All in all, I'm scared of my drinking and scared of stopping at the same time. I'm emotionally exhausted. I'm scared of facing what's going on in my life without alcohol but I know I need to. I need some encouragement... and I want to focus on how good life could be if I got out of this drinking pattern. I'd love to hear how life has changed since some of you gave up???
I hope I can get through this with the help of this community...
