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Hi guys and girls... busy writing this from Cape Town, South Africa... 52 this year (allegedly) and on January the 25 was the anniversary of my mothers passing - 14 years already.... 14 years i have been promising myself for a host of reasons that i too must stop this ridiculous habit of smoking for good.
So today is going to be the day i stop... when i leave the office this afternoon the box goes in the bin and i am done. I started smoking in the military at the age of 18 years old... mainly to escape being singled out for objecting to conscription under the old Apartheid government here.. so that led to a few beatings and taking a smoke break with the rest of them enabled me to escape the abuse.....well partly, i was quite badly beaten and subjected to all sorts of stuff i do now want to write about... needless to say i ended up in hospital for 3 months not knowing who i was or where i was... i was discharged onto the side of the road at night to find my own way back home to my city... it was far from a pleasant experience. Further drama followed on that which again i wont write about here as its personal. I went back to the military a year later and completed my service to my country in Artillery school and later counter intelligence..... but...... smoking became the crutch that got me through that ordeal and i have smoked ever since....I suffer with PTSD and anxiety ... some fool psychologist told me to continue smoking as an escape from that. clearly it did not work :)
Anyhow... long story i guess as to why i smoke. But it is time to stop and i am going to take the leap today....and i at the same time i am going to stop letting my mind control my life with those old PTSD symptoms.... yep i know its not something most can escape from but i am mentally prepared for that.. .my single biggest fear is i am doing this without any support of friends or family...... i have not told anyone, i want to do this alone but need and am willing to accept support from total strangers who have been through the stopping process, so here i am reaching out to anyone who can spare a few words of encouragement and support.
I did fail on Friday - i do an annual car rally to raise funds for cancer research and had a get together with the lads.... before i knew it i had had a few ciggies.. i have not let that deter me and woke up Saturday feeling angry at myself... which i quickly stopped as i refuse to beat myself up for having made a mistake.. i found some fascinating video material online that attributes the side effects and cravings as mis-identified physical needs which has made the quitting process a lot easier...
Day 5 and feeling good... the idea of being able to now do all the things i used to do (as soon as my body is up to it) is inspiring me and keeping me motivated.... as is avoiding my smoking friends as difficult as that part is for me right now
Thank you for your words of encouragement !!