Thanks Lynn, yes I am really down on myself and still feel physically ill. im not to sure what triggered it . I was away at my fams house and that always started the drinking cause they drink. I do however feel like a huge load is taken off my shoulders cause I spoke to them and they understand will support me so now I know when I go no means no . so that is pretty positive , I have journaled before it has helped . I think I struggle with always self destructing . I do well and then I sabotage it some how not always with drinking but somehow . I have been here on and off for over a decade . I feel like enough is enough and I can and will do it . but I do love the welcome support its very comforting for everyone and thank you for replying to my posts . how are you ?(if you done mind me asking )