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I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like he was your one constant. It also sounds like you had a very close relationship with him. I am sorry you did not get to say goodbye; but, I think your father already knew how much you loved and respected him. Sometimes writing our goodbyes in a letter and having a "ceremony" of sorts can help with the grieving process. Allow yourself to grieve in whatever way you feel is right for you. This may mean your emotions will be all over the place. That is ok and to be expected.
You do not have to feel guilty for taking care of yourself first. It sounds like you are already at your limit; yet, you still feel like you are not doing enough. I wonder what advise your father would give if you told him about your guilty feelings?
Hope to read from you more soon,
Ashley, Health Educator
August 9th almost 2 years ago, I lost my father suddenly to "Hyper Trophic Cardio Myopathy". He was instantly gone. I remember I was on vacation that week. The first night off I had, he had had a really bad nose bleed and asked if I would take him to the hospital. I did. We waited and waited, I remember feeling anxious because he was choking on blood clots, coughing up handfuls, there was blood everywhere. Long story short, they had to put 2 of those balloon things up his nose, and sent him on his way. He went back Tuesday (Aug. 8) to have these removed. The day after around noon, I got a phone call my Aunt telling me to get to papa's asap. My father had been taking care of our grandfather and his brother. He was now gone. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. I often wonder if he knew that he was dying. I feel guilty, I had driven by earlier that day... I often think what if I had just stopped in? Maybe i could've saved him! I felt like this invisible net that I didn't even realize was there, was suddenly gone. I always felt safe with dad, and we were very close when he passed. Talked daily, multipy times daily on fb messenger.
He was separated from my mother whom He had diagnosed when i was a wee one with Schitzophrenia. She now resides in a home, after a terrifying episode approx. 10 years ago where she tried to commit suicide. Seeing her in hospital like that was terrifying. Lucky we still had dad. With him gone, I try to take mom out when I can and bring her everything she needs. However, I'm also being asked to help take care of my grandfather now at times. I feel guilty saying No when asked. He is my family. But I just always feel so drained and never really make any time for myself. He has 2 daughters, yet they expect us grandkids to do what they should be doing.
This past weekend, a close family friend we were told was in Hospice and would not last long. My brother and I went there. Unfortunately, we were told that she had passed 30 minutes before we arrived. I had to work an afternoon shift the day of her funeral, and I feel very guilty about not going to her funeral.
I've also been told my grandfather's 87 year old sister is in hospital. She had a stroke, is unable to speak, paralyzed from the waste down at the moment, and i believe one side works better than the other. My dad's sister keeps bugging me to go up and see her. Again, I feel guilty that I haven't gone, but I've been feeling so overwhelmed lately with everything that's been going on, I've been avoiding my mother, and visiting anyone.
Ever since my father passed away, I feel like I've pushed alot of people away. I find peace in silence, and being left alone. I often look up and wonder if he's out there somewhere. I've never missed someone so much in my life.
I feel like my weekends are spent helping everyone else get what they want, and I don't ever take time for myself.
I am going to change this starting Now. I'm finding my unhappiness is being spilled over at work, and unfortunately i'm in a position where i have to be positive 24/7 and not show my stress.