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One fumble and downhill I go


10 years ago 0 90 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Thanks Love Trees.

I feel the small things can help. Yesterday during a charity walk, I was talking to my best friend who is on meds (I did not ask which one) and I was talking about how my appointment is next Saturday and I was not sure if I would be put on meds or not. I explained then how my therapy appointment is this Tuesday. She said maybe I should go to therapy and then was like, maybe not. I told her that meds can only do so much. A therapist can do a lot, sometimes you just need someone to talk to who is level headed. I'm hoping she will see someone. We have also learned that our 3 friend in our small group just does not understand our issues. The third friend was actually wondering if I had an eating disorder because I was not eating and it took my other friend trying to explain that it is deeper then that, but she does not feel as if she understood (which is amazing, considering she is about to graduate in December with a degree in biology).

But I am slowly starting to add the organic and natural food into my diet. I did walk a little over a mile and half today and I went to a local church. I am hoping to find a church I want to join in the next few months. I even took a day off work this week to go a job fair in hopes of finding a new career.

Samantha, yes, I have started the plan. I will be starting week 2 tomorrow. I like to feel this site and a combination of things are helping me.
10 years ago 0 356 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Davit,

I agree with you about not taking out our feelings on other people. Throughout my life I have avoided doing this. One reason was that I had a fear of conflict that I have now learned is common with people with anxiety (it talks about that in one of the units of the program here, I think under relationships). But the other reason is that it goes against my own values and beliefs about how to behave in the world with people. I have always held myself to a high standard with how I treat people. Now that my anxiety is much less than it was, I feel more connected to that part of me that was always there throughout my trials and tribulations. So no, I have not done retaliation much in life. I have done projection though, which if we scratch the surface, has some parallels with retaliation in that we project some ideas onto other people that have nothing to do with them personally but has everything to do with where we are and what we want to get from them. I have stopped doing this to a very large degree and I see people now for how they are not how I wish they would be. 

Gailerina,

Your posts continue to resonate with me. It can be harder to change big things in our lives once we are older and have responsibilities. That said, you have specific things that you want to change in your life that sound do-able such as getting back to the gym and doing more around your faith and working on your diet. I used to struggle with understanding how those sorts of changes were going to help me when what I really wanted was impossible to obtain. But I kept at it with myself, I never let myself stop aiming for relief from anxiety and I kept working with myself and it has paid off. I have been able to make changes in my life that make me happier, and I have not been able to move or do any of the bigger changes that I once felt were necessary in order for me to be happy. 

I tried an SSRI for a year and I completely agree with Davit about the role of meds for mental health. They can provide some short term booster effect to help our mood  so that we can do CBT but in the end, the meds do not cure anxiety.
10 years ago 0 2606 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hello Gallerina, 

I hope the Panic Center has helped you. Have you started working through the CBT program? 
If you have any questions about the program at all, do not hesitate to ask. 

Sending you strength for this November. 


Samantha, Health Educator
10 years ago 0 90 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
True it only hides it, but it would be nice to not worry about knowing where you want to live and being able to cruise all the time (in my case).
10 years ago 0 6252 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
I don't know of any rich people that have cured anxiety with money. Money makes it easier to hide for sure, but that is not a cure. Still since I am cured I could certainly make good use of the money. Could I ever lol

Davit
10 years ago 0 90 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Very true.
 
I do have a therapist, she is the one who suggested I get tested to see if I needed to be on meds. I will hopefully be seeing her 2 or more times a month? I guess it will depend.
 
I am trying to make other changes, such as my diet. I want to lean towards healthy and part organic. I don't think I would be able to go completely organic since I can not control the food if I was to go out and eat. Tomorrow I am involved in a walk for blood cancers (in honor of my dad) and my friend is going to go with me to Whole Foods to do some shopping.
 
I really want to get the energy to go to the gym, because I do miss it and I miss going to my Zumba class, because my instructor is so amazing. I was able to walk yesterday during lunch and after work for like 10 or so minutes. I was able to walk today before my lunch/department meeting. I am going to try walk 20 minutes or so when I get home. Then the walk tomorrow is only 2 miles, so I think I will be fine.
 
My faith is important to me and I feel over the years I have wandered away and I am trying to get back into focus. I don't think I want to find a church around me, especially if I want to move, so maybe I can find a program to watch or something on Sundays.
 
While I wish there a quick fix, I know from experience there is none. I have 2 close friends and one recently went and sought help for issues and was put on meds. Our other friend I think does not always understand our issues, but she is still in college and while things are stressful for her at times, she is not where we two are.
 
I think part of me has to accept that this is where life is and I don't know what the future holds. I can wish all my might that I would win the lottery and be golden, but that is fairy tale and it takes time and determination to get where we want to go. We are going to stumble and have issues, but we can do it.
 
10 years ago 0 6252 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Gailerina

You may be put on an SSRI and they take a while to work and also can make you sick and feel worse for the first two weeks as you get used to it. They take six weeks before full benefits and if you have chemical depression usually are a necessity for a while at least. Remember though that it and the valerian are only adjuncts to CBT. Only some form of CBT with or without the help of a Therapist will cure you. Meds are a great help but usually let you down when you stop taking them without something to replace them.

Davit
10 years ago 0 90 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hopefully it is the valerian and it will slowly start to work. I am only taking the 90mg ones (the only other ones at the store were 450mg ones). I take 2 in the morning before I come into work and 1 before bed. I was thinking of making it one in the morning, 1 in the after and 1 before bed. I'm not sure. I don't want to take a lot since I have no idea if the doctor will put me on meds. I do plan to tell him about it and my other 2 vitamins I take. I am hoping a combination of medication, this program, and a therapist will start to help me get back on track slowly.
 
I know right now that dream is a tad far off, especially since I am responsible for my mom. I think for me after living in a large city and all, I want a change. In college I went to school in a small town and I miss it. I think I mainly miss being in school and not having any real concept that being an adult is not as awesome as I thought it was. But even with the small town, I still want something a little farther other, even. No noisy people and where life can be simple.
 
Maybe one day I can have just a little land and a nice house. Just live a simple life, but I know it will not be here in Maryland. Sometimes I think living an house boat would better also, haha.
 
I am starting to think I do have buried issued with my dad's death. Lately I keep wishing he was here and that he didn't have to die. After reading things here on the forum and really sitting down, maybe this is a sign of things. My dad suffered from depression, that I am sure of. Maybe it is time I get help. I believe my episodes are only getting worst because life is getting different. I don't like where I am at and I do want to make changes. With my company I feel as if I got comfortable, but I am not happy here either. I am going to start looking for a  new job, but that is never easy. I'm heading to a career field my university next week and I hope maybe it will open some doors.
10 years ago 0 6252 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
loves trees

I agree with you about emotions. A person without emotions would be about as alive as a piece of firewood. They need to be used in a constructive way. Allowing them to be blocked and only come out when you can't stop them is destructive. And I mean all the emotions, even anger.

I feel anger that my Dad died before I could become mature enough to become the friend he needed. I feel anger that I never made use of his vast knowledge. I feel anger at my mother for leaving him instead of trying to understand him. I feel anger when this happens to me.
I feel sad that my Dad had such a hard life. I feel sad that my mother died of Cancer. They were a happy couple before the war. Because of association sadness of any sort is going to affect me.
I feel proud that my Dad managed to survive in a world that had no therapists. How does your mind survive years of being told to drop bombs on people? He shut it out instead of talking it out.
If I cry at a sad movie it is not the movie but me. There as so many things that need to be felt and let out, the movie is just a trigger. Like a ballon, if you don't use these emotion, let them out and feel them you will burst. But you have to do this proper. Never aim Your anger at anyone directly. Accept they are the cause if they are but retaliation will make it worse.


Gailerina

Your dream is possible and there are books and magazines that feed on it. I live in a house in the woods with no neighbours and a big garden and wild animals passing through. I have only one neighbour in the surrounding mile.
I shop at a country store by choice and it is quiet. That is the magazine side of this life. Walking through the garden eating a carrot, picking an apple off my tree. Coffee in the morning with the birds singing. Stars you can actually see at night.
Paradise. But paradise comes with a price. Burning firewood to save heating costs. Fixing the pump that waters the garden. No power when a tree some where in the surrounding many miles falls on a power line. To overcome these things people have back up generators propane stoves and candles. There are ways around things, they are just frustrating some times. But it is a good life for those that want it. And as you can see I do have internet.
But this is Canada. I'm just far enough north to live where taxes are cheaper yet climate is still okay and we have a good medical system. Two real important factors when a person gets old. Money is always a consideration and I have none going out for medical and very little for pills. Food I grow a lot of because up here there are freight costs on a carrot from Mexico or an apple from Washington. But it is possible with the right attitude to be happy in a cabin or house in the woods but it has to be in the right woods. Even in some parts of Canada it would be impossible without a lot of money.

Davit


10 years ago 0 356 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hi Gailerina,

Your post really resonated with me as I have struggled with emotions and mood throughout my CBT work. 

At one point, I read about "complicated loss" and "complicated grief" and there are some good books and websites about those topics that might help. Sometimes though, I just needed to feel what I was feeling and let those feelings get felt. 

The way that you remember the person is personal and can take many forms. Like Davit says, remember all that he did. Are there ways you can work with what you feel when you miss him? Write about him, draw something that represents him or your relationship, visit a place that connects to his memory? 

Before CBT I didn't understand about working with my emotions and my thoughts, and not letting them go where ever they wanted. Now I understand that we can work with an emotion that comes up. There is a section of the program that talks about grief specifically too if you have not seen that one yet. 

Relationships with parents are intense...finding a way to honour our true feelings about each parent is very valuable in my experience. Good therapists can probably tell if someone has grieved the person and where they are at in that process because there are signs of where we are and where we might be stuck. I believe in the concept of us having emotions inside that need expressing, safely, and how hard it is to live if we are carrying around emotions that we need to let out. Does that help at all? I could be off on this, its just my experience and understanding at this point about grief and loss. A good therapist should allow you to express how you actually feel about each parent or significant person in your life. That is how they can be helpful in my opinion.

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