I am currently in an abusive relationship. I have been in abusive relationships my whole life, from childhood forward. I have spent years in therapy and in groups etc. evolving myself in all the ways that I can. I am frustrated because even after all the work I have done on and with myself, I still cannot seem to escape these patterns of mine where I am so sad inside, desperate to feel loved, cared for and wanted, that I end up in relationships with people (friends, romantic and professional) where I am undervalued, degraded and disrespected. I know it should be a no brainer, in that I should just get out and move on, but it is clearly not that easy. I am aware of all the theoretical components of my dilemma: I am co-dependent, have major abandonment issues, gravitate towards narcissists, have destructive and harmful core beliefs etc. Despite knowing better in theory, I am really struggling with the manifestation of change in my life. I have a decent amount of both professional support and some honest conversation with friends, but still feel alone, scared, and debilitated from being the best that I can be. I am searching for some genuine conversation and support. I expected myself to be over this issue by now as I am in my thirties, but seem to be really stuck. Is there anyone out there who has gone through/is going through similar things? Does anyone have advice?
I empathize and relate to your experience. I HAVE read feel the fear and do it anyway and felt that it was helpful. Other books I would recommend are: Radical Acceptance, the Mastery of Love & the Four Agreements (both by Don Miguel Ruiz). I used to attend Buddhist Za Zen meditation. It took me weeks to be able to let all my inner chatter go, even a little bit. I miss it now as there is no Za Zen practices close to where I am located.
Would like to talk more.
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