Davit

Davit.

If he won't help you, he's not a friend. Go ahead and Subpoena him so he can say he had to. Otherwise it is going to ride on your nerves and you will lose him as a friend any way. This is about getting your stuff back so you can get on with your life. Besides it gives him an out so he can help you and maybe that's what he needs. Just do it. Of course this is just my opinion and I don't like liers. In fact I don't even like people who stretch the truth. Your never going to get better with this hanging over your head so do it and if you lose him as a friend then he never was in the first place. Of course I'm just being outspoken, this is still your decision but it seems you need to win here more for your health than your stuff. Stuff is just stuff, health is everything. Good luck.

Davit.

Hope the tea works for you, it has literally been a life saver for me. If you buy it bulk don't make it too strong. It doesn't have much colour and the lemon smell and flavour disappears when it's dried. Some times it comes with lemon verbena and lemon grass for flavour. This will dilute it and it may not work as well as it should. I have been growing it for years now. It's a perennial and has a nice lemon smell and taste when it is fresh, but seems to work better dried. Side affects: It tends to be a diuretic. The other thing is it can leave you sleepy in the morning but doesn't cause the anxiety that tranquillizers do. If it doesn't work try it with calcium. Calcium may work as a carrier to get it into your system. (like vitamin C and Tylenol, Vitamin C is the carrier) I have a neat Doctor. He says if the side affects aren't hazardous and it works, do it even if it doesn't make sense. Interesting about the eyes. About two months ago mine started to burn when I'm tired and stressed. Eye drops don't do much or maybe I just want them to work faster. (male attitude)

Davit.

What a double whammy! To have to fight temptation and anxiety at the same time. Congratulations. 

Davit.

Pretty much the same. This is interesting. When I was 4 or 5 I went to a birthday party and got picked on because I was the youngest and my older brother didn't want me there. Later in school I was a Catholic in a public school and we had to line up in the hallway twice a day. I used to get hot and puke. I used to get beat up a lot by the natives till my dad tought me to fight back. I hated school and crowds although I was so facinated by movies that I could go to them as long as I was in the dark. To this day I still start to sweat in crowds and have to send my mind off somewhere else to tolerate them. The thing is after I do this little mind exercise then quite often I can enjoy myself, but it does keep me from going to a lot of things by myself. If I go with someone else I'm usually distracted enough to tolerate it. But I still start to freak if I'm left alone. Some times I have to pretend I can't remember what I want to say  and send my mind off some where else for a few seconds. I can do this because people think I'm old and batty. What really works is to visualize every body as different breeds of dogs. Disney type dogs. If that doesn't work think of them as naked. Now that can be funny, especially if there old and pompus. Thing is if you can some how get through the moment of panic then every thing clears up for a while. Now this isn't part of the program but it is similar to exposure exercises. It's all part of modifying the situation to fit you instead of being forced to fit the situation. You don't want to go through life hiding all the time. So every one out there, how do you cope???

Davit.

I live in the country too with two attack cats that will trip you and check your pockets for cat treats. My nearest neighbour is about two miles away. Oddly enough malls don't bother me unless people get too close. Ten people in a small house is a definite problem. I once had a panic attack in a shower, now is that stupid or what. Can't run outside screaming even if your neighbours are two miles away. To get back to crowds. Those people in a mall don't know you so they don't count. Not like the hallway in a school or an isle in a small town grocery store where people know you and might be watching you. I know it's dumb, but so are panic attacks. Ive been searching for a reason for panic attacks and can't seem to find any thing simple like alergys, food, medication, dust, although noise might be one. About the Celexa, it does sort of sneak up. It's almost time to see your doctor to adjust it up or down. No side effects?? Other people will want to know. There do seem to be a lot of questions about it. Might still be a while before you see full benefits. Good luck.

Read your blog. What the @#$% is a blog, Dumb word anyway. You are certainly getting better, keep it up and you won't have to push the normal button. Besides it's broke from to many people pushing it.

Davit.

I can only give you my personal experience and those that I have personally dealt with. Buspar is slow to work but if the dose is right it works as well or better than Benzo's without the nasty side affects. NO medication will not cure panic attacks, it will only control them temporarily. If you are only taking Xanax PRN and rarely then Ativan would be better. None of the Benzo's are a good choice. Wish you could see my therapist, she would explain the hazards of Benzo's. Short term they are OK, but long term they do damage that takes a long time to repair. (personal experience) Of all the Benzo's Valium is the oldest and the safest. I can explain how benzo's work and how they do damage if used long term but it would take some space and I would have to find how to add a drawing for part of it. Medication will stop the panic but it will leave you fogged in and it is a false sense of well being. BUT quite often they are necessary as a stop gap while you do the program. The program is the only thing that can give you a cure. The symptoms are chemical but the cause is mental so a balance of medication and mental skills is the only answer for most with the goal being to stop the medication when the attacks are under control. You might never get totally better. You might get the odd attempt at panic but with the right skills it becomes just a nuisance. There will always be things that set me off but I can now make it go away very quickly and according to my journal the instances are getting farther apart. I was an Ativan addict for four years so I know how bad they can be long term. I used Buspar with good results. I used Celexa also. You will notice I said used to, I haven't used any thing for over four months. The reason you feel bad after the Xanax is called rebound, it's common but can make your panic worse over the long term. It helps if you realize this is what is happening. The only one that panic could hurt would be a very old person with a heart condition so try to ignore the thoughts. You have no health problems right? Now the one thing nobody talks about here is actuall mental illness For that I am afraid there is no cure and only Medication as a control. No sense sugar coating it. It is a fact. I don't know if this helped but maybe it will give you something to ask your Doctor. 

Davit.

I had to think on that. I am still capable of having a full blown panic attack if I let myself, which I don't. But you know how they sneak up. One moment I would be happily going through life and I'd start to think about some thing that bothers me. And there just like turning on a light would be that same old feeling. Only not the same, there is no Adrenalin rush. No racing heart beat. No need to get to the bathroom. No chest pain and no shortness of breath, just this uncomfortable feeling that all is not right even though I know it is. An Analogy: It's like your looking out the door on a beautiful day and some unwanted animal scurries in. Well you just put it out and close the door and it's Ok. Trauma and anxiety build a pathway to your brain and for a long time after you get control of your thoughts it is still there. But positive thoughts and the right attitude allows you to nibble away at the ends of it so it isn't as efficient as it was and eventually it doesn't work at all. Now your xanax doesn't allow you to use this pathway, BUT it leaves it there. Thus the rebound when the Xanax or any other Benzo is used. Buspar lets you nibble away at it, which is why I think it is safer to use. If you do it right when you stop the Buspar you should have that unwanted pathway blocked and no rebound. I'm going to get a bit long winded here. Each receptor on the pathway to your brain has a hand full of receptors on the input side of it like fingers on your hand and it is just one finger in the next receptor. At each one of these fingers is a guard that decides if the information coming in is necessary. Most of the information is discarded. Over years from child hood we learn what to let in and what not to. During trauma the guards get a little sloppy and let too much through. Thus this sense of impending doom. This chest pain when there is nothing there. this confusion because there are so many signals and which one is right. Xanax works by blocking most of the signals but it does it random so that some of what should have gone through doesn't. This is Ok on a temporary short term basis. Buspar on the other hand seems to just make the guards more vigilant. So you can see where some thing Traumatic can set off panic. The pathway was built a long time ago, just never used. This is why I say that although the symptoms are chemical,(adrenaline) but the cause is mental. You can teach the guards to be more vigilant and over time you can destroy the unwanted path. The other thing you will learn to do is distract yourself so the unwanted information isn't there in the first place. Mantras and meditation are good for this. So is Box breathing. The guards need oxygen to work. This is why there is no overnight cure even though we want one. A house of sand will crumble, a house of stone will last for ever. Which one do you want to build to keep the demons out. So if you need to use Buspar or something else while you build your house of stone then do it. And if you need a little extra on top you can try, L-theanine. (from health food store) or scalded milk. It makes triptophan when heated, which is a natural tranquillizer. Some of the mints. I like Ginger Mint because it calms the butterflies also. So to answer your question. Does it go away? Yes it can and it should, it depends on how well you can change your thought process and how good you get at telling it to go away when it tries to sneak back in. At least you now know how and why it happens and that you are dealing with a real thing and real things can be changed. Any more questions just ask and I'll answer if I can. Get well life is good this side of the fence. You can do it with the help of the program and remember I and every one else here is a shoulder to lean on. 

Peace

Davit.