Just wanted to write and introduce myself and say a little about whats going on for me.
My name is Sara and I'm 26 years old. I live with one fiancee and one cat and until recently was studying to be a councellor and working part time in retail. This is my second major battle with panic disorder. The first round took me about eight months to recover from. At my worst I couldn't leave the house at all and would have what felt like one constant panic attack 24 hours a day. I felt like I tried everything without getting anywhere but eventually hypnosis, getting back to work, 200mgs of Zoloft a day and a lot of Valium seemed to do the trick. After this initial experience I decided to go back to school (I had previously completed an arts degree) and become a counsellor so I could help other people struggling with mental health issues. I was practically symptom free for about two years although I continued to avoid public transport and drove myself everywhere. At the start of this year I decided to stop taking Zoloft as I had gained a fair amount of weight and honestly didn't think I needed it anymore. I was more or less fine for about six months and then started to experience panic symptoms again. In what felt like no time at all I was back where I started; terrified, crying alll the time and scared to leave the house. I've taken two months off work (thank God for annual leave) and deffered my course until I'm feeling better. I've had six sessions with a psychologist and am taking 100mgs of Zoloft a day.
Although I'm improving gradually things are still very hard. I'm terrified of being alone in public (especially going back to work) and although I'm working on the avoidance behaviours it's still heavy going. Although I know I'm not going to die or go crazy from having a panic attack; my symptoms often include nausea, diarhoea and/or a strong need to urinate. Pretty embarassing but the fear related to panic attacks for me is simply being too far away from a bathroom. I don't know if this is a common fear or one I've invented all by myself. Comments welcome :) I also experience a high level of 'floating' anxiety most of the time which leaves me feeling sick and exhausted.
Anyway that's pretty much what's going on for me. In addition just wanted to say that I think this website is a fantastic resource and that I'm looking forward to starting the CBT program. If anyone has any advice, encouragement or questions I look forward to reading your posts. Also just as a side note I'm curious to know if any other women with panic disorder have also been diagnosed with PCOS.
When I'm feeling anxious about going into a feared situation I often say to myself that
'Bravery is not the absence of fear. It's doing things in spite of it.'
It helps me to remember that having PD doesn't make me a coward. We often experience as much fear in a couple of days as some people do in a lifetime. Having a panic attack is a bit like having a brush with death and the fact that we manage to keep the car on the road / pick up the kids / meet a friend or get the dishes out of the way in spite of it proves how strong we really are.
I hadn't really thought of looking at it like that. I feel like I've been trapped in this viscious cycle of feeling sick because I'm anxious and getting anxious because I feel sick. I tend to make myself a bit of a victim in that I see PD as this thing thats happened to me that I have no control over. In the past I've never had much time for CBT ... I guess because I'm naturally cynical and find the whole concept of thinking happy thoughts when I feel as though my sanity has up and left me hard to swallow. For me PD is such a physical monster. It's constantly acheing, and wanting to throw up and feeling so tense I can't sit still but can't do anything constructive either. For the longest time I've felt that there is no possible way that my thoughts are actually contributing to these sensations. I've always felt like my brain and my body are two different entities and although my brain reacts when my body does something it doesn't work the other way round.
Joining this site and reading your posts has really helped me to identify the crucial mistake in this logic. Of course my mind and my body react off each other and of course it goes both ways. The last couple of days I've been trying really hard to be positive and challenge all the negativity running around in my brain. It's certainly not making me feel any worse and my shrink assured me that with practice it will start to make me feel better.
Sorry guys that was a bit of a rant but I think what I'm trying to say is that shifting away from thinking of myself as having a mental illness that I have no control over to thinking of myself as someone who is trying to unlearn some bad habbits is really empowering.
Thanks gorgeous people. It means so much to know that others out there are struggling with and beating the little panic eyed monster. I really can't stress enough what it means to me to feel like we're all in this together.
Thanks for the reply. I know it's part of the flight or fight response but it's a damn inconvenient one! Does help to know I'm not the only one who has experienced it though and although it's probably really usefull when running away from a bear it's a pain in the arse in polite society :)
You're right though ... as I'm getting more confident I'm getting better at slowing myself down at the first sign of a panic attack which makes them much shorter and easier to manage.
I'm on part two of the program and although I've had the last couple of months off work I'm heading back on Tuesday so fingers crossed all will go well. I've also had the good fortune of working with a wonderful therapist who has helped me to realise that the sky is not really falling and that I'm already much stronge than I was a few short weeks ago.
Oh God I can so realte to these posts! I've had two really bad bouts of panic disorder (the latest of which Im still dealing with) and the fear of not being near a toilet is what keeps them going. I don't know what to suggest ... like many of you guys I live off imodium, hate being in cars with anyone other than my partner, close family and friends and it's always worse before I have to go somewhere ... for example work. The idea of having an 'accident' in front of my collegues just seems like the worst thing in the world ... and then you get the viscous cycle. You feel sick because you feel anxious and anxious because you feel sick. Good times! Like many of you I also find it's far worse when I'm setting out to do something and also far worse during the day. It's so frustrating because when I have a panic attack ... I know I'm not going crazy, I know I'm not having a heart attack but I'm so terrified that I'm going to (looking for delicate language here) uh poop myself? that it's very hard to calm down without leaving the situation.
On the bright side however, I know that I got this under control once and I'm sure I can do it again. Antidepressants (I'm on Zoloft) do help a lot although I'm thinking of uping the dosage again (it took 200mgs to get things under control last time and I'm currently only on 100). Immodium is a definite blessing ... eventually last time I found I didn't need it anymore once I got used to being ok although I did always keep some in my handbag; and most importantly remembering to keep your sense of humour really helps. I know some days it's easier than others but when you really think about it ... it's kind of funny. More so now that I know it's not just me. There must be so many of us running around keeping chemist profits high (immodium), marking out public toilets on every transport route, keeping a spare pair of pants in the car (I do actually do this) and considering the pros and cons of adult diapers (that was my partner's suggestion and we both had a good laugh).
In the mean time thank you so much to everyone whose posted on this forum. It's hard to be candid about something that is so ridiculously embarasssing but I truely beleive that the more we talk about it, the more we break down the stigma and the more we know we're not alone. Sharing your fears with those close to you is also a huge releif. Everyone I've told has assured me that yes I might be neurotic but they love me anyway and it's amazing how many horrible stories of having food poisoning in the worst possible places people are willing to share just to make you feel better :) Love, compassion and understanding can really be found in the weirdest places and under the funniest of circumstances.
Sara
xox
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